you, silly thing

thank you

for all the wonderful, inspiring words...our boisterous laughter...the time that you spend with me...the effort of calling everyday...for making me feel very special...for singing songs to me...for everything (even when you make me stop breathing at times)! salamat...

you are a very special person to me, pulutong. i am so lucky because you are always there for me. i wish i could make you feel how important you are to me. you are always in my thoughts. pardon me for being insensitive at times : (...

you are a "first-class-major-league-VIP" in my life.

my favorite ad....Nestle Philippines TV Commercial: Nestle 100 Years "Pag-Ibig"

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out of practice

i woke up with a bad headache. but this is not like the one i suffered from a few days ago. this one is self-inflicted. and yes! since i brought myself into this kind of distress, i have no right to whine!

i wholeheartedly accept this hang-over...and resolve to engage in drinking more often from now on so that my system will be used to alcohol.

sugar-overload

"thirsty" is a habit. i always have one everytime i hang-out at the foodcourt to use sm's wi-fi. watermelon is my favorite...well next to pandan. but yesterday, it wasn't available so i opted for watermelon. i sipped my watermelon, as i settled into one of the most comfortable and isolated seats in the basement. one of my pleasurable, self-pampering methods ; )

at half past 6, i met ms. lors. i sent her a sms earlier yesterday if she'd care to meet me after her work. i was unwrapping my newly bought orange lipstick as i ran to meet her in front of bdo. oh, i was glad to see her!

we filled each other with updates about what's hot and what's not in our lives, then decided to try fried ice cream.

...fried ice cream! the best thing about it was that i got to choose through 5 to 6 varieties of dips, syrups, toppings and candy sticks! choosing between colorful nips, ube and choco sticks, cookies and cream and some other wonderful stuffs was making me crazy! i loved it! the choosing part. because then, for 2 minutes i get to focus into something.

i finally got what i wanted! pandan fried ice cream, with ube dip, buttons of nips, cookies and cream and choco sticks and ms. lors had everything with strawberry! if heaven doesn't have those, then i don't want to be there.

while we were waiting for our ice cream to be served, ms. lors was telling me about a zipline in guimaras. i was frantic! i have this bad habit of getting excited, with my voice rising to a few decibels, oblivious of where i am at the moment or whoever surrounds me. so, i was reacting with all my heart and emotions to the adventure that ms. lors and i were planning to do. my sudden bursts of "OMG!", "go!" and more "OMG's!" shocked the crew who was preparing our fried ice. i had to say sorry a lot of times for making him nervous.

huff! we ate our pandan and strawberry with gusto at the foodcourt while we animatedly planned for a weekend in the nearby island. i am so excited!!!!

after an hour of non-stop talking, she finally decided to go home and i had to go to tara and ramir's party. i picked up the mocha-crumble cake which i bought for the couple and ms. lors and i went out of the rain to get a cab.

i came an hour late for the anniv party. which was just right because by then, everyone has warmed-up, and i obviously didn't need one since i was overloaded with sweets already.

a mother's touch

i have been suffering from a terrible headache since wednesday afternoon. i was in cyber niche when i suddenly felt my head spinning. since that day, i had the notion that my head wass getting heavier. the pain would revive the moment i gained consciousness. it would start on the front lobe of my brain and would linger at the back of my head. i had to hold on to something when i get up from my bed just to make sure that i don't fall on the floor.

this morning, it was the same. the pain was still there (mainly because i refused to take the medicine that my mother gave me).

i went to the kitchen to find my mom preparing something for breakfast. i complained about my headache the moment i got in the room. she listened patiently to my ramblings, went out of the room, then came back with a bottle of "herbal oil" or something of that sort. she put a drop of that oil on her palm, rubbed it on my neck and massaged my scalp, my head, my kukote. it felt soothing. what a treat early in the morning! i felt okay...not entirely headache-free...but okay : )

mothers know best, they say! i believe it now, along with the "healing effect" of a mother's touch.

thank you, nanay : )

doomsday?

i never had any idea about it until the morning of the 16th of may, when mabeth's dad sent her a sms asking where she was. as per dad's sms "where are you? 21st is the end of the world. the day you were born"....

it was on the papers, radio, tv, everywhere. my friend abigail even posted on her fb wall "it can't be the end of the world when the carton of milk in her fridge will expire on the 27th"

janna, aby's friend ate all the eggs in her fridge since she loves eggs so much and if the world will stop revolving, she would have died happily and full...with eggs.

my sister didn't go out last night. she just stayed home and prayed. when i talked to her on skype today, she told me that she can't die yet because she hasn't confessed her sins to a priest...ugh!

everybody's fussing about the 21st. like, everything's going to really end today.

and here i am, dealing with a terrible headache. it is indeed a doomsday for me. so, i'll go home, take a paracet, sleep and see what will tomorrow be...

: )

i am thankful....

i am happy....

i am at peace....

i am lucky....

i am singing songs again....

i am inspired....

i am hopping when i walk....

i am smiling all the time....

i am all that i am now....

....because of you, "my sweety sweety cutie cutie pulutong"....

33rd

my parents will be celebrating their 33rd year of marriage tomorrow, the 18th of may.

this is one of the times when i feel truly proud of them. true, 33 years didn't just come to this in the sweetest route. their path of being together has been a hard one. but they didn't give up and made it to this.

sacrifices. my parents had to sacrifice a lot of things for us. my father had to work abroad for almost 11 years to give us a bright future and a comfortable way of life. my mom had to work all through those years that my father was away to help with the finances too. they didn't spend much time together (hmmm, i just realized that now) but at least, they're catching up with the missed times and are still together until now.

fights. oh well, they sure had a hell lot of them. i have been a witness to some of those "not-so-easy" moments. it wasn't one of the glorious seasons of their marriage! they got even close to separation! i was not able to witness that fight, but hearing about it from my cousin, i'm sure it was pretty bad! it was hell-bad, because my mom had to live with her sister for a week! pretty tough, huh!

love. i wouldn't qualify my parents for the "sweet couple" award. they're not showy with their affection in front of the kids...us. but i'm sure that their doting for each other lies in the deepest recesses of their beings. (naks!) and they call each other "bords". not sugary yet cool! i find that very cool, actually!

it's true what they say about, marrying someone whom you love to talk to. that is so true about my parents. i personally don't love the idea of spending a lot of time talking to them, especially to my father, but when i see both of them talking to each other, it's like never-ending...like, "wow! what are they talking about? and what's there to talk about?"

i am grateful to the stork who delivered me to my parents. as the first baby in the family, i'm sure i have been showered with so much love, hugs and kisses. (i said i'm sure because by the time i got "awareness" my parents were so busy with making money, that they forgot we needed hugs and kisses too. but this is no time for what should have beens.....

to my nanay and tatay, i love you both, so much. thank you for everything that you have done for our sake. congratulations for making it this far! happy 33rd!

what is your word?

i am still reading elizabeth gilbert's "eat pray love"...she was trying to find her word since she met the Italian Giulio. today, she found her word! antevasin, Sanskrit for “one who lives at the border.”

coincidentally, i stumbled into a new word today : )

"pulutong"...a word which was coined by cristian boarolo. google translate made a big joke with him early in the day. eventhough we don't have an exact word as that, i appreciate the thought that goes with the strange word. so, by the power bestowed upon me by the not-so-always-properly-correct-google-translate, i hereby proclaim cristian, "my pulutong".

i love that word. pulutong. it's infinite. pulutong. it can mean anything, everything. pulutong. i can say it again and again and a million times all over again without getting tired of it. i also have this constant smile on my face when i remember cristian's thoughtfulness.

so cristian has his own word.....

now, what's my word?

James Morrison - You Give Me Something (New Version)

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happy fiesta!

finally! it was our time to fiesta!

thanks to all my high school friends who came over. i had a great time with you! no matter how "hotta day" it had been, it didn't stop us from clinging to each other from noon till dawn. thank you for helping me restore my fading memories of our high school days (i hope i'll be saved from alzheimer's too), for the fun and laughter and for the time that you've spent with me and my family. i love you, guys, to eternity and beyond.

p.s. my nanay missed you and loved having you around.

salamat

thank you, Cristian, for this wonderful feeling that you're giving me : )

eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert

after a long search in the national bookstore, i finally encountered elizabeth gilbert in the "self-help" book section.

since i am back to my old habit of sleeping with my books, elizabeth gilbert is one of my bedmates. oh! the wonderful feeling of waking up surrounded by books of different genre. i love it!

elizabeth gilbert is making me laugh, cry, smile, wonder, reflect and feel in-love. i love her na!

simple joy

i wanted to take macko for a walk this morning. the minute that kikay saw me step out of the gate, she screamed at the top of her lungs "masunod ako!!!" before i knew it, kikay was rushing to me, and khael was on his way too, and they dropped by their friends' house to convince them to join us. okay, so much for my planned long and quiet walk with macko.

the kids didn't waste so much time, i've noticed. they were already taking their clothes off as soon as they saw the beach. and even before my feet touched the grayish sand, they were already jumping along with the waves. my own childhood flashed back in my mind as i watched the little kids having fun. their laughter was so pure, that if i close my eyes, i thought i can hold the sound of their amusement in my hand.

as the only girl in the pack, kikay felt left out. but that didn't stop her from finding ways to entertain herself. good enough that there are twigs, stones, rocks, dead corals and leaves that she can play with, when the boys were ignoring her.

the boys on the other hand, were so occupied with treading the rising waves and laughing.

after an hour, i told them that we have to go home. i didn't want them to get sunburned, no! and macko's tongue was about to fall off his mouth.

the trip back to the house took a lot more time than the way to the beach. obviously, the kids didn't want to leave the place yet. they lingered as much as they can. it was dragging but i didn't nag at them. i wanted to give them the luxury of time. that's all i can give them this summer.

O

i miss you, my puppy love! how's heaven?

i went to mass yesterday and the priest said that i should feel lucky and happy if i know somebody up in heaven and i suddenly remembered you, kuya! i love you, kuya Oscar! big big hugs to you....

it's a rainy day and i have nowhere to hide

i bought John Irving's "last night in twisted river" at the gardemoen before my flight on the 2oth of february. i tried to read it on the flight to bangkok, but i couldn't concentrate because a lot of things were playing on my mind so i put it aside. on the night that my sister was packing her things for her trip, i gave her the book. i thought she might be interested in it, and since she's going to have a long flight, a book would be a perfect company. she read the synopsis at the back of the book and she gasped. "what?!", i asked. she asked me back, "have you read the note at the back of this
book?". i shook my head sideways. she gave me back the "last night in twisted river" and said, "this book is for you. you should read it."

the note said....

"we don't always have a choice how we get to know one another. sometimes, people fall into our lives cleanly - as if out of the sky, or as if there were a direct flight from Heaven to Earth - the same sudden way we lose people, who once seemed they would always be part of our lives."

since i came back, i told Yvonne everything that i've been through. places that i've been, people i've met and lost, happy and sad memories, crazy adventures...everything.

march 5, 2010, saturday. i woke up to the sound of my alarm at 7 am. i felt nostalgic as i scanned the messages on my phone (stupid habit). my chest was almost bursting with too much emotions. i took a bath, put on my clothes and checked my luggage for the nth time. my friend, mabeth woke up at 8 and i wore my best smile to greet her a "good morning".
at 8.15, my sister sent me a sms that she's on her way to pick me up. mabeth and i took the elevator down to the lobby of the condo without saying anything. when my sister came, we threw our luggage in the trunk of the cab and waved goodbye to mabeth. just as manong driver started to drive, i burst out to my sister, "To, i feel so heartsick" and started to cry. i was annoyed because it was a rainy day and i can't wear my sunglasses to hide my eyes. but i still cried, for a simple reason that, i can't stop crying. yvonne tried to console me and offered me her hanky. manong driver gave me a confused look but i just ignored him.

when we arrived at the airport, i gave manong driver the fare and he drove off immediately. as if, he can't wait to get rid of a crazy passenger very early in the morning.

i was still having my fits as we fell in line to get in the airport. i wore my shades. i don't care if it was a gloomy day. i needed my shades.

my sister was still trying to rationalize my craziness as we waited for our luggage to be checked-in. when our turn came, the lady at the counter asked if i could take off my sunglasses for the SOP "eye-check". i hesitantly took off my pair of glasses and asked her if my masscara was smeared. she gave me an awkward smile and asked "maam, what happened? you know, everything's going to be okay. it's okay to cry. why, what happened?" i told her to talk to my psychologist, as i pointed to yvonne.

we found our way to the departure area. we sat quietly with the other passengers as we waited for boarding. then my sister turned to me and said, "i've never seen you cry. as in, never. you're always like a very happy, carefree soul. i may not understand what you're feeling right now, but i do know that this, too, shall pass". i just smiled at her and put on my shades back.

on the plane to iloilo, my sister pointed out to the clouds and the beautiful rays of mr. sun. at first, i just nod my head, but later on, i joined her in appreaciating the beauty of the puffy clouds. 15 minutes before landing, i practiced my smile. my sister thought i was really out of my mind. one minute i was crying, and the next, i was smiling. well, i
needed to practice my smile and put on happiness in my heart and on my face. my mom hasn't seen me for 4 years and 3 months and i didn't want her to see me all rotten.

good thing, the sun was shinning as we landed in iloilo! the warm breeze gave me a wonderful feeling. as my mom came to give me a big big hug, all the awful feelings within me evaporated in the clean air of iloilo. i felt rejuvenated.

and as for the note at the back of john irving's book...i know that people come to my life for a reason. they may not stay for long, but their memories will. i have loved them all and i will always carry them in my heart. i will always treasure them. i may feel nostalgic time and time again, but as my sister said, "this, too, shall pass." i believe her.

paraiso

justine clio marquez-ostique was in iloilo last night and she summoned us (tara, ayè, buddy mitch, pai and myself + mader cris) in stanley's talabahan in villa. it was great to spend some time with the vocal-not-afraid-to-use-vulgar-words cli-cli. i expected it to be a super fun night, reminiscing about the old intermedius days, cli-cli's throaty laughter, mitch's unexpected fall from the chair at the bar, ayè's frustrating attempt at understanding niponggo and french, cheering tara for having a bottle of beer...

i can't really recall who started the idea of going to paraiso. must be the blurry effect after dozing off two bottles of red horse. before i knew it, tara's high school friends were there to accompany us in going to the red lights district.

i remember when we were starting out in intermedius, nang marianne promised to take us for an immersion in a gay bar. she must have realized that we were too young and too naive that time. we all forgot about it.

and last night was the night. wahahaha! we were excited and scared at the same time (for us girls, at least). the boys said they were ashamed to be seen in a place like that, but hey! so are we!

as bench drove along jm basa st., we were giggling and laughing, but when we got out of the everest, we were as quiet as we can be. we climb the steep and narrow stairs up to the gay bar whispering to each other. when we paid at the entrance, dark images started to appear. we thought of backing out. but, well, for an educational experience, going to a gay bar is not that bad. (ahuh! defensive!)

i felt sorry for all those boys dancing on the stage. my goodness! they were young! 18-20 years old. i wonder why they opted to make that as a source of living. okay, i don't want to judge them for choosing that kind of job...i just drank my beer and let my eyes wander around the place, observing how discreet men, gays and women behave, noticing where people go when they suddenly disappear from their table and definitely did not go to the washroom or the exit door, observing how those guys attract customers.

it was a whole new experience. period.

tears of frustration

since i haven't heard anything from the University of Stavanger last May 1, i assumed that i didn't get in the program. i made a press release to all my friends that i failed in the screening. they felt bad, i felt bad...but there's something in me that kept on wishing and hoping that i'd get in.

today, my failure is confirmed. i finally got my rejection letter fom UiS. the truth hurts. i had to read the letter several times hoping that when i wink or squeeze my eyes and open them again, the words will transform and reveal a positive note. but no. i really didn't get in the program.

i feel like crying. angry tears...sad tears.

i feel like all the doors are closing on me now. all i've ever heard from the companies which i applied to, were rejection. and this time, the only rope that i've been holding on to ripped off and i'm falling, falling into the abyss.

i want to believe that there's a reason for all of these somehow. i want to be the most optimistic person in the world. but right now, i need to curl back into my shell and hibernate for as long as my heart and soul are recharged back to life.

liar! liar!

joanna marie woke up in the middle of the night with a very bad conscience.

it's terrible to be lied at...but it's more than gruesome to be the liar! especially if the person has been very nice to you, has made you feel so special and all...yet, there goes the deception...

what a dreadful person i am!