sometimes, i wonder

i'm damaged. i haven't been handled well by people around me. my parents weren't there to mold me when i was growing up; the people whom i loved hurt me and left me bleeding; people gave me remarks that dug through my heart and mind.

i'm damaged and insecure and my psyche is scarred forever.

i'm trying to put whatever's left of me back together. there are some pieces that are too difficult to repair because they're wrecked and beyond repair. but i'm trying to take care of myself and shield my being from any further catastrophe.

most of the people that i've met don't understand me at all. they don't really see me. they just look right through me and in one way or another they'd know that i am broken and useless...some of them stay for a while and eventually they'd leave...at times i'd disappear before they even find out how irreparable i am...for who could ever learn to love someone who is a walking casualty?

that's why i wonder how someone like Cristian can put up with me. for all my tanrums, meanness, mood swings and all the inexplainable ME! one day i'm happy, the next day i'm melancholic, the day after that i'm confused...and the cycle goes on and on. i am even tired of being me sometimes.

say, take Cristian out of my life...and i am nothing. i am a big black empty waste of space if i am without him. he is my super glue...the best adhesive tape in the world. and i love him. sometimes i wonder why he's still with me when he knows how terrible a person i am. sometimes i'm afraid that while he's trying to magically fix me, i am unconsciously hurting and causing him damage. i am mean, but i don't want to be the maker of one person's destruction.

and how long can a patient man sustain being with a despicable me?

i know that i'll never be the same without him in my existence...but sometimes, i wonder if he'll be better off without me in his life...

somebody loves me...finally!

thank you so much Pulutong ko for this wonderful video. i love it, love it! thank you for everything that you are doing for me, for us. thank you for being patient with me all the time.

i may be short of patience with you sometimes...but i'm trying to be better. i want to be the best for you. because you deserve only the best :)

i love you to the nth, amore mio. every single day of my life leads to a happily ever after with you.

spread a little happiness

i spent my one-hour break roaming around Iloilo's old city streets yesterday. a new habit i've developed since i started working for the krungkrungs. i don't really mind the foul smell of the central market when i pass along Iznart street. in fact, i tend to linger there and check the native stuffs that are sold in the stalls.

i wandered around while eating my banana q. there were so many kakanins along the streets, but i stuck to my banana q :)

walking without direction is my forte. i stitched the small pathways and wide streets in one hour. on my way back to our building, i took the main street. as i was about to cross the street, i saw a mentally challenged, rubbishly dressed young man and he was wearing a priceless happy face. he was blowing bubbles at the corner of the street. big bubbles. big bubbly bubbles. he was just enveloped in his own happiness...in his own world. he was oblivious to the traffic of vehicles and people around him. he was happy. he was very happy blowing bubbles.

i happen to love big bubbly bubbles! i stood at a distance from that young man for a while and watched his fascination to the bubbles that he made. i was mesmerized as well, as i followed the direction of the bubbles that he produced.

some people say that mentally challenged people are not aware of where they are or what they're doing...what that young man wasn't aware of at that time? he didn't know how happy he made me : )

....keep doing what makes you happy. for all you know, it makes other people happy too : )

showtime!

warning! do not watch this show with a full stomach. hahahaha!

big laugh! laugh gas! laugh in! laugh in!

that's what you get when you watch this noontime show on abs-cbn. the hosts in this show really knows how to make their audience have a GREAT TIME! and i call that kind of talent a gift...they have an unkabogable charisma :)

i love them! i've never seen a show that can make me crawl laughing while crying.

i love you, showtime pipol!!!

amore

tu sei il centro della mia vita

ti amo tantissimo, amore mio

wishawishwishwish

as i walked along the busy and buzzy streets of mapa to delgado during my break yesterday, Christmas songs filled the humid air. there were different yuletide songs played in every store. when i passed by the mercury drugstore, i heard the song, "...i'm dreaming of a white christmas...." finally, i can relate to that song. all those years, i sang along with that song, not really knowing what a white christmas is. but after 5 years of experiencing snowy christmases, i'm wishing to have one this year.

i wish to walk in a snowy evening, feel the softness of the fresh snow under my winter boots, the feeling of not feeling my nose and cheeks because of too much cold, the freezing fresh feeling, the tingling touch of falling snow on my face and just the wonderful purely white sight.

...i'm dreaming of a white christmas...

anemia of words

i miss writing. like, really writing. like, writing not just the word writing or just for the sake of writing. but writing because the words get congested in my brain if i won't write them down. writing like, all the passion is there. where have all the words gone?

have i been so detached to myself lately? am i being a zombie again? or, my head can't feel my heart? or is it just the absence of the right words to say?

please, words....i need words...

just keep swimming

dory.

if there's one animated character that would best describe me, it's her. but it's not just the short-term memory loss, although that's the biggest chunk of it. it's her fearless way of wandering the depth of the ocean...enjoying the moment...forgetting why she's doing stuffs...but still she gets the hang of it, and keeps on swimming.

i love it when she says..."just keep swimming...keep swimming..."...isn't she adorable?

one thing though that makes me different from her is the way she easily trusts the creatures around her. it's a nice thing. trust. but it's an ocean! a big body of water! with lots of sharks! oh! i wish i can trust everyone that easily...hey, it's a big ocean....

...but....

just keep swimming....

just to annoy Kikay :)