sometimes, i wonder

i'm damaged. i haven't been handled well by people around me. my parents weren't there to mold me when i was growing up; the people whom i loved hurt me and left me bleeding; people gave me remarks that dug through my heart and mind.

i'm damaged and insecure and my psyche is scarred forever.

i'm trying to put whatever's left of me back together. there are some pieces that are too difficult to repair because they're wrecked and beyond repair. but i'm trying to take care of myself and shield my being from any further catastrophe.

most of the people that i've met don't understand me at all. they don't really see me. they just look right through me and in one way or another they'd know that i am broken and useless...some of them stay for a while and eventually they'd leave...at times i'd disappear before they even find out how irreparable i am...for who could ever learn to love someone who is a walking casualty?

that's why i wonder how someone like Cristian can put up with me. for all my tanrums, meanness, mood swings and all the inexplainable ME! one day i'm happy, the next day i'm melancholic, the day after that i'm confused...and the cycle goes on and on. i am even tired of being me sometimes.

say, take Cristian out of my life...and i am nothing. i am a big black empty waste of space if i am without him. he is my super glue...the best adhesive tape in the world. and i love him. sometimes i wonder why he's still with me when he knows how terrible a person i am. sometimes i'm afraid that while he's trying to magically fix me, i am unconsciously hurting and causing him damage. i am mean, but i don't want to be the maker of one person's destruction.

and how long can a patient man sustain being with a despicable me?

i know that i'll never be the same without him in my existence...but sometimes, i wonder if he'll be better off without me in his life...