survival 101

i almost went home yesterday after seeing my schedule for the day. i felt sick, but that's beside the fact that i already feel sick. i just thought i won't be able to survive the day with 6 consecutive high classes, 20-minute break, class, 20 minute break, 3 regular classes, 1-30minute class and 4 webex classes.

when i finished my 2 hour class, i wanted to scream "i survived!!!". i felt exhilarated that i'm still intact after dealing with the worst group of students, ever! well at least, my sanity turned hazy from total darkness.

these past days, i've been a "walker". when i think about it, i am worse than a "walker". the "walkers" look gross because they're dead, and they just walk endlessly, but there's one live nerve in their brain that signals for desire, hunger, want, crave...and they will do anything, everything to get what they want. even if that will lead to their second death.

i am a walker. i look normal in the outside, but i am a walker, lacking that live nerve in my brain.

i guess this is the result of blocking all the bad feelings, all the hurt, all the fears and confusion, all the disappointment and just pretend to be happy. in the end, it's difficult to deal with all those feelings because from the very start, i never acknowledged them. so now, they're seeping through the recesses of my soul and they're eating me alive. those bad feelings piled up and left me rotten.

but i can't be rotten. or at least, i don't want other people to smell me rotting inside. so i'll just keep wearing a neutral facade, keep walking without scaring other people.

i hope i will be able to pass, survival 101.