it has been 12 hours since you've been gone...2 nights since i haven't slept well...3 days since i've been crying endlessly...and it's going to take forever for me to get over the fact that you're up in heaven already.
you are my bestfriend. you've heard all my secrets...you've been there in my happiest and saddest and craziest state. you were there to give me an instant hug whenever i needed a warm embrace. you were my constant companion when i felt the need to run or walk in the forest. you were my favorite subject in my amateur photography. you made me happy with your out-of-the-blue tricks. you made me really angry and scared when you get lost in the forest trying to catch a hedgehog. you brighten up my heart when you happily and crazily hop on me everytime i come home. you annoyed me when you unreasonably barked at anyone you saw in the forest. you broke my heart when you snarled at me when all i wanted was to cuddle with you. you made me nervous and crazy everytime you ran away. you healed my pain everytime you eagerly ran up to me.
....and now you're making me feel so sad. i''ve never felt such sadness before. i've never even known that such sadness and loss ever existed. it's as if my heart is being chopped into pieces and the pain is killing me. i break into tears everytime i go down the stairs and you're not there to meet me. tears just flow down my cheeks whenever i sit on the sofa and you're not there to sit with me and lay your head on my tummy. i panic when i remember you and wonder if i took you for a walk or if i've given you food already.
kuya Oscar, it broke my heart when Felix cried when Kjersti had to tell him about you over the phone. he is hurting too kuya. and we both miss you so much. so much that i long to hold you and hug you.....or just to see you in the least possible way.
i have loved you so much kuya Oscar. i love you so much.
things happened in a sudden that a part of me is in denial. right now, i'm thinking that you're just downstairs, sleeping.
sigh!
i broke into tears when Felix and i came back from school this afternoon, you know. he saw your cot and he asked why it's still there and you're not. so i had to move it down to the basement and i had to hug it so tight just to feel you. it hurt to move your stuffs kuya. i want to keep your things where they are but i don't want to explain to Felix everytime he asks about you.
i'm sure that you're in heaven now. please watch over us, okay?
i miss you so much. i always told you that i love you. i taught you how to say i love you too, but you never learned. but that doesn't matter.
i love you so much kuya Oscar. you will be in my heart forever.
kuya, whenever i need someone to talk to, will you be there to listen to me?
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