i'm so sorry

dear kuya,

i want you to know that i love you so much...as in so so much

...and that, i am so sorry for what's about to happen...

...i regret the decision that i've made that day kuya...

i remember clearly how i battled over the decision of bringing you when i pick up Felix from school that day. i even stood in front of you, while you lay peacefully in your cot, giving me the "what now, joan?" kind of look. i love you so much kuya that i want to bring you with me. so i did.

and i will regret it for the rest of my life.

you are my kuya. and i love you so much. you are the greatest companion that i've ever had. you are always there to listen absent-mindedly when i talk endlessly about this and that. you were my inspiration when i ran in the forest. may it be to really run or just a fun-chasing-run with you.

do you remember the time when you were in love with Aguida? i let you out in the garden and you ran away. it took Felix and i an eternity to look for you in the forest. we strained our vocal chords as we call out your name that one springtime day. and when we didn't find you after a long search, i began to cry, because i thought...what if you ran to the highway and was hit by a car...or you fell in a hole in the forest and you couldn't get out...or you got lost and couldn't find your way home. i felt so helpless that time that i just sat in a corner and cried. oh, how relieved i was when the neighbor brought you home! i remember how i nearly choked you with my hug when i saw you at the front door!

remember the time when i really got mad at you because you were attacking a hedgehog in the garden in the middle of the summer night? i stood between you and the curled up hedgehog and i crazily yelled at you. i'm sorry i yelled at you kuya. i am so sorry...

remember when we went for a camping trip? you got in the tent first and laid on my sleeping bag. by the time i was ready to sleep, i couldn't pull the sleeping bag away from you. that night i slept with my wool blanket on.

i am so sorry kuya. i have brought you into this fatal end. i am so so sorry...i don't know if i can still look you in the eye in these remaining days...

i have so many memories of you kuya Oscar. you will always be in my heart and in my mind. please don't forget me when you're in heaven already. please remember me as someone who loves you so much.

i love you kuya Oscar.

can you forgive me?