nakaka relate talaga ako sa song na 'to

halaga by parokya ni edgar

Umiiyak ka na naman
Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam
Namumugtong mga mata
Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa

Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman

Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginawa kundi ang paluhain ka

Chorus:
Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nagkasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang nakitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga

Hindi na dapat pag-usapan pa
Nagpapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita
Hindi ka rin naman nakikinig
Kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig

Sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin
Akala mo'y nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
Ayoko nang isipin pa
Di ko alam ba't di mo makayanan na iwanan sya

Ang dami-dami naman diyang iba
Wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang ibang makita
Na lalake na magmahal sayo
At hinding hindi nya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan
Medyo malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba ang siya'y pinapangarap ko

before i go...

two things that i hate in this world are, rejection and goodbyes. they weigh exactly the same in my hate-weighing scale...but right now, goodbyes are pulling the weight to the ground.

wandering and living from one place to another brought me the gift of friendship and family. i have been attached to every people whom i've met along the way of my journey. i have loved them and cherished their love, care and concern for me. they have brought happiness to me when i was low-spirited and i hope that i have made them happy in one way or another too. i am so grateful for what they have done which made me more human at heart.

i want to thank these people in my own little way.

Kjersti and Finn-Einar,

thank you for taking really good care of me. for listening to all my worries and even sharing my worries. thank you for taking the effort to help me stay here for at least a little longer. maybe it will work out. maybe it won't. but i want you to know that either way the result may turn out, i appreciate all your help.

thank you for accepting my imperfections, for being considerate with my amateur cooking, for understanding my secret war with flour and yeast, for all the endless laughter in the kitchen while we're preparing dinner on friday nights, for the bottomless wine refill ( ; )), for teaching me how to ski (although i easily gave up on that one), for bringing me in to this wonderful place, for trusting me, and for loving me. i love you both.

Felix,

oh, i will miss you so much, my sweet little bestfriend. thank you for teaching me how to speak Norsk (you are a great teacher, by the way ; )). i am really thankful to have a wonderful kid like you. we may have our tantrums in the beginning, but we eventually managed to compromise with each other and it has become a smooth journey for both of us. thank you for patiently listening to my rantlings. thank you for understanding me in your own little way. thank you for looking after me when i don't feel very well. thank you for giving in when i nag that i need to go for a walk in the forest. thank you for keeping our little secret a secret. hehehe. i love you, Felix Kvamme!

ate Hazel,

you know how much i appreciate your friendship. thank you for being like a sister to me, for enlightening me when i am confused. thank you for making me aware that i've done something bad and for talking me out of it. it's such a blessing to have a very mature friend like you. thank you so much for loving me eventhough you know how crazy a person i am. thank you for all the happy weekends that i have spent in your place and for filling out my craving for filipino food. thank you for always looking after me. for comforting me when i am so dramatic about something.

i will miss our walks in the forest, our tummy-aching laughter over little stuffs, our shopping galore, our coffee-break in the centrum, our pictorials. i will miss your sudden apparition in my backdoor. i will miss your bubbly presence in my life.

i love you, girl. we'll remain friends no matter how far we are from each other, right?

Ragnhild and Rita,

thank you for all your help.

kuya Jan Marius,

i will always be your number one fan! and remember, i have the first autographed photo of you! winks! winks!

Marit,

thank you for always being there to rescue Felix and me when we need a ride to school. you are such an angel.

Jillian,

thank you for making me laugh without any effort from your part. keep on singing. you bring so much joy to people when you sing ; ) peace!

Abigail Madlansacay,

stop calling me Joan Mucho and i will stop calling you Abigail Madlansacay. deal? thank you girl for being my refuge. thank you for celebrating with me on the day of my deliverance. thank you for not freaking out when i burst into sudden tears. i know you totally disagree with my fanatic obsession about my "one true love". but you know Abigail, that i have come to this age and still single, because i believe that there is someone out there who is destined for me. and thank you for not freaking out when i told you that i've found him but uncertain if i am his "one true love" too.

i will miss you Aby.

Ursula,

i love you, U! thank you for accommodating me everytime i need a place to stay in dk. you know how much i love our endless talk during the night until the early dawn. thank you for sparing a song for me in the soundtrack of your life. it makes me feel so special that i have one cut in your pie of life. thank you for listening to all my worries and for not judging me. i will always remember our adventure in the streets of Rome. you are such a blessing to me U. major major thank you!

Gracie,

you never fail to make me laugh no matter how impossible a situation may seem to be. thank you for teaching me some of your recipes and for encouraging me that i am capable of cooking. hahaha! thank you for travelling 4 hours to copenhagen and back to odense just to spend the night with me and Ursula. i really appreciate it, Gracie. you make me feel so special.

i wish you and Michaèl more happy years together. love you, Gracie!

Stig,

thank you for the wonderful trip to Slogen. good luck to you.

to the old lady whom i normally bump into during my walk in the forest,

sorry i don't know your name. but you have been an inspiration to me right from my very first step into the forest trail. thank you for your generous smile.

ate Maria, ate Ofelia, ate Angie and to all my ate's,

thank you so much for being like a family to me. i love you, my ate's.

Rebecca,

thank you for being such an angel. for loaning your computer to me when mine was broken, your bike when i needed to get away or just to wander around in a faster way, your skiing shoes (hehehe)...thank you for everything.

i wish you all the best.

Andrè,

thank you for coming into my life. i am happy that we have been aware of each other's existence and have actually taken the effort to see for ourselves if there's a chance for love. thank you for giving me this wonderful feeling of being in love and for sharing a part of your life with me. i love you.... i'm sorry if i say it a lot, because there is no other way for me to show you how i feel for you.

the thought of being far away from you makes me feel heavy-hearted because i am afraid of loosing my one true love. i hope that love will bring us back together someday because i would love to spend my lifetime with you. but if not, i want you know that i am lucky enough to have known you and loved by you even for just a short span of time. if our paths will never cross again, i hope that you will find that woman who will truly love you and take care of you. whoever that woman is, she should know how lucky she is to have you.

i wish you happiness and love, Andrè.

i love you......


.....saying goodbye is not an easy thing to do. but it's the reality that i am facing now as the countdown in my 10 fingers begins...i will have to struggle with my tears and separation anxiety in the coming days...so help me, G! i will try my very best to be tough and i will think positively, that something beautiful awaits me.

to all the wonderful people that have been a part of my journey, i will always cherish you all. i will keep all of you in the center of my heart so that it will be easy for me to look back and remember the happy days that i have spent with you.

i can't thank all of you enough....

juno

she's a 16-year old girl who got a pregnant.

the first person who knew that she was pregnant was the guy at the store where she brought her pregnancy test kit. then, she told the father of the baby, who was totally clueless about what to do with the baby and juno. after that, she delivered the news to her bestfriend, who got worried for the wrong reasons but was, at least cool about it.

she wanted to have an abortion at first but she changed her mind when she was in the clinic already. plus the fact that a girl from her school warned her that the baby has fingernails already. she ran out of the clinic as fast as she could.

juno and her bestfriend looked for adoptive parents for the baby. when they found a "qualified" couple, that was the time when juno told her parents about her pregnancy. they were shocked, but they were so calm about it. asked about the important details then planned on what to do with the baby...which was apparently, an easy task because juno has planned it herself and was determined to stick to her plans.

i like juno. i mean, for a 16-year old, she's a total brainer. she's so calm about her situation. she's got a one-track mind. she knows (or at least, she thinks she knows) what to do about her pregnancy. she speaks out her mind. she continues to live her life. she goes on with her passion with music. she loves. she becomes even closer to her family. she has become a mature person at 16.

seeing her on screen with her planet-like-bulging belly, she has awaken something in me. like, at that fleeting moment, i wanted to be pregnant and be a mother too. i was touched by the way she feels her baby kicking inside her tummy. oh, i loved the way she walks and carries an extra 10 pounds. i want! i want! now na!

wahahahaha!

scott

we officially have a new puppy! scott. he's a 2-month old cockapoo. all black-soft-fluffy fur. he has sleepy charming eyes.

he is so cute and everyone has fallen in-love with him. even Finn-Einar. hehe.

i haven't taken scott for a long walk yet. his legs are still too weak for it.

i adore him. he follows me all around the house. sometimes i get scared that i might accidentally step on him. he is so tiny that he looks like a furball : )

scott is a super calm dog compared to kuya oscar's rough behavior. i still think of oscar when i hug scott. but they have a distinct scent, so sooner or later, scott will etch his own memory in my brain.

huhuhu

typing with the use of on-screen keyboard: that's my capital punishment for dropping my laptop on the bathroom floor : (

i took it to the repair shop. but after several days of my laptop's sleepover in the shop, i went there to check for any progress...only to be told by the technician that there's something wrong with the keyboard. duh! i knew that already...

so, with much disappointment, i managed to smile and thank the tech guy and brought my laptop back home.

as we speak, i already used 15 minutes in typing three sentences! i am doomed! why am i being punished? the last time i checked, i have been a good girl. so, why?

a letter to Andrè

my sweet Andrè,

i find it amazing that out of 6,875,700,000 people in this planet, i actually found YOU. consider me the luckiest alien!

i have been wandering everywhere half of my life because i don't feel like i really belong anywhere. that's why i kept on saying to myself that, i'll just find myself under the sun...until i finally find a place that i feel safe, loved and accepted. maybe i have given you the wrong impression about me when it comes to my wanderings...i am too pretentious to admit to anyone that i am alone and lonely. i want people to think of me as someone who is strong, free-spirited and independent. but at the end of the day, i still need someone to claim me and to love me.

there are a lot of things that i am unsure of. so many things that are unforeseen. but i know one thing and only one thing for sure: that i love you and that i want to be with you.

you have passing questions to me when we were together. you might not remember them, but i do. i was silent and couldn't say anything during those times because i didn't know if you were serious...and your queries were so overwhelming. YOU are overwhelming. but now, i will answer them...

you asked me once if i want to be the mother of your children...

yes, i would love to be the mother of your kids and i would want you to be the father of my kids too.

when you were driving past the centrum of Lillehammer, you saw an old couple who were walking together. you pointed them to me. then you asked me if we can be like them. if we can grow old together...

yes, i want to grow old with you... to walk with you even if we are already suffering from arthritis. i will hold your hand for more support even if you have your cane on the other hand. i want to see you hunt and fish as you age.

you asked me once if i want to be married...

yes, i want to be married. now, i can see myself being married.

you asked me if i would stay with you and take care of you...

yes, there is nothing else than i want in this world than to be with you. i love you and i care for you...everything else follows

in Lillehammer, when we were crossing the street to the cafe where we had our breakfast, you said that you wanted to try something. then you held my hand...

it was a wonderful feeling...holding your hand...

in the hotel room in Lillehammer, you sat in front of me and told me that, i have burned myself in your heart and you will always remember me even when you're 70 and sitting all alone on your couch...

well, Andrè...i don't want to be just a memory, because memory fades. i want to be actually there with you, in person, and share moments with you and to sit with you on the couch when you're 70 or 80 or 90...

i finally feel that i belong to someone. to you. you captured my heart and i chose you to have it. i want to end my wanderings and flutter my butterfly wings towards you. because in you, Andrè, i feel safe, accepted and loved. you make me feel like i'm home...finally.

waaahhh!!!

chaks! magkaka nervous breakdown yata ako sa episode 23 and 24 ng Grey's Anatomy!!! shocking ang mga pangyayari! and Derek can't die. he can't! he's mcdreamy, for chrissakes.....he can't die...please..he can't die....

trigger

it's either i'm just overreacting these past days or there is something here that i'm not seeing.

i am confused. about everything. i don't want to be in the state of confusion now because it drives me crazy.

you trigger my confusion. i'm sorry. i don't want to bother you with this, but you do, give rise to all the things that are running inside my head.

i love you. i really really do.

please don't confuse me....

ano ito?

ayaw na ayaw ko talaga 'yung tipong hindi ako kinikibo ng isang tao. pero as usual, kahit na ano pang sama ng loob ko na hindi ako pinapansin, eh, sa akin na lang yun. kikimkimin ko na lang yung sakit na nararamdaman ko.

alam ko, insensitive ako minsan. or minsan, pinapakita ko na lang na insensitive ako. kasi, kung papansinin mo naman at i-a-analyze ang littlest details, eh for sure, maloloka ka. at tsaka, hindi naman ako yung tipong magna-nag or something. kung ayaw akong pansinin ng isang tao, well, masakit, pero...anong magagawa ko, eh ayaw nya akong pansinin eh. alam mo yun? eh di, tahimik na lang ako.

kaya naman, nagkaka-indigestion ako. hindi ko napapansin, ang dami ko na palang kinakain at hindi man lang ako umiinom ng tubig. mabuti na nga lang napigilan ko ang self ko na hindi mag coffee today. kung hindi, naku! baka naputulan ko na naman ulit ang buhok ko.

ang sakit kaya non, no? yung mahal na mahal mo yung tao, tapos parang lahat lahat na gusto mong sabihin sa kanya kasi nga nag-uumapaw ang love mo para sa kanya. tapos lumipas na ang isang oras, dalawa, hanggang sampu, wala man lang sagot kahit isang smiley! ouch! kinukurot naman ang heart ko non. at tsaka minamartilyo pa (tama ba yun?)....

syempre, nag-iba na talaga ang lahat pagkatapos ng ilang weeks na hindi kami nagkita. ewan ko. insensitive nga ako pero hindi naman ako oblivious para hindi ko mapansin yung mga pagbabago. hehehe. nakaka miss kaya yung mga mensahe sa yahoo. kahit yung mga text. at tsaka yung usapan din sa ym. ngayon kasi, hanggang hi-hello-goodnight na lang.

ano ito?

palangga ko gid sa ya! as in, promise! to the highest level! kaya nga masakit kasi mahal ko sya eh.....

wherever you are....

i miss you Andrè...

i have been missing you these past days. we no longer talk the way we used to. i know you've been working a lot and you're always tired when you get home. it makes me wish that i am there with you...

nang erlie

dear nanay,

i miss you so much. i love you. i wish that you know how much i love you eventhough i have the strangest way of showing my love for you.

i miss our long talks over dinner. i miss the way you massage my back when i come home, super beaten by work, on weekends. i miss the way we sit quietly outside tatay coroy's small hut. i miss your endless (and sometimes, annoying) concern if i have taken my vitamins. i even miss the way you scold me.

you have been very strict with me and my siblings when we were growing up. i hated you for that. i hated the way you always say "no" to eveything that i wanted to do. but now i completely understand. it has been tough for you to raise the four of us alone. and i am so sorry if i made it harder for you. i am sorry for whatever heartaches i have caused you.

i know you have so much expectations from me. i have failed you. i am not sorry about that. i am living my life the way i want to. i am enjoying it. i am happy. i am lonely and i feel so alone sometimes. but that's a part of the package. it's the balance of life.

there are times when i just want to go back home, feel the comfort of your hug and just stay wrapped in your arms. but i am no longer a baby and i can't feel like a baby everytime you are near me.

i have learned to be independent and live on my own. i worked hard on it emotionally. i fought back the tears, the homesickness. and i can't let my guards off now.

i know that the moment i go back home, i will be this little girl again. i don't want that to happen.

so i'll keep my distance...

but please, know that i love you so much.

episode 20, season 6, Grey's Anatomy

mark "mcsteamy" sloan, for me, has always been the epitome of manhood. unfaithful, masculine, unsure of committments, a one-night-stand-kind-of-guy, a man who insists that he did the right thing even when he made-out with his bestfriend's wife. he's the man!

seeing "mcsteamy" on tv is very entertaining. for one, he's so yummy! okay..okay...he's funny too! a good friend to "mcdreamy", a good "fucking friend" to torres...a sensible man when he's not around women.

i came to the point of thinking, "what if, there's only a "mark sloan" kind of man left on earth?" oh, there will be no happy endings.

anyway, i have put off GA for quite some time. today, i searched for it again and voila! mark sloan made me cry in the first ten minutes of the series!

in episode 20, "mcsteamy's" estranged daughter gave birth in his apartment. he was nervous and excited and he showed all the emotions that i have never thought he's capable of. and what really struck me, was when he held the tiny tiny baby in his hand. it was so touching... the way he looked at the little baby, the way he smiled, the way he held the baby so guardedly...ohhhh....i love sloan!

okay...the story continues...

his daughter found a couple who wanted to adopt "baby sloan" way before she was about to give birth. but mark wanted to keep the baby. he has never had a family for a long time and he wouldn't give away the baby because it was his chance to finally have a family of his own. to have someone to love and to take care of.

his daughter, on the other hand, was so petrified about keeping the baby. she was easily daunted when the baby cried, she's young and irresponsible...

against mark's will, the adoption pushed through. even in a very emotional scene when he said goodbye to the baby, "mcsteamy's" parting words to his grandson was..."when you grow up, you will make a lot of girls cry. but it's okay. you're a sloan. you're excused to do that."

i got carried away and forgot for a moment that he was mark sloan. well...well...he is sloan after all.

a trip to Slogen

my kuya

it has been exactly a month since......

i miss you a lot kuya Oscar. there hasn't been a day when i didn't think about you.

how are you doing up there in heaven? do you have a lot of playmates? i bet you are so happy over there : )

kuya, i've started to like Elvis. mmmm...i hope you won't think of me as a traitor. i know how you hated him and how you wanted to kill him everytime you see his fat ass. but he's nice afterall. he has gained more weight. he has been over-fed, over-loved, over-pampered.

kuya, i've learned from Andrè that cats purr when you pet them. i've never heard Elvis purr before. but now, i do! i've started to carry him around the house the way i carried you. i hug him. i hug him a lot because i miss you so much. i just close my eyes and imagine that it's you, my kuya Oscar, that i am hugging. but i never tell him my secrets. no.

do you hear me when i call out your name when i take a walk in the forest. can you hear me talking to you? i can picture out your reaction when i say all the things that i've said.

i love you Kuya Oscar. enjoy heaven!...and say hi to your friends from me.

i look up to you everyday.

my biggest hug to you my dear kuya....

4:13 am

i love you with so much intensity that i woke up at this time with the thought of you.

what dreams may come

we were standing on the cliff...my favorite hiding place in the forest.

the fjord reflected all the wonderful colors of the blue sky, the jolly colors of the autumn leaves and it shimmered with the sun's rays.

you were there by my side. admiring the beauty and stillness of the earth and its elements.

i was there by your side. looking at the wonders all around me. i was filled with so much happiness because the love of my life was there beside me. i was overjoyed because i was sharing that perfect moment with you.

suddenly, you held my hand and turned. we stood face to face. you were smiling, but i saw the worried look on your eyes. right then, i knew that something terrible is about to happen. my heart beat double time and i felt like it was about to skip out of my chest. i felt warm. no, i felt cold. i can feel the sweat on my palms and i wished you'd let go of my hands.

none of us spoke for what seemed like an eternity. i felt like dying just by looking at your eyes. those deep honey-colored eyes. i wished you'd say something to end my agony. i wished i could say something, but my mind was racing with so many thoughts and my tounge was glued.

just as the gushing wind and rustling leaves broke the silence in the forest, you broke yours too. your sad eyes never left mine when you said, "joanna, i can no longer go on with this. i have stopped loving you. this is goodbye for the two of us."

my heart throbbed louder that it was impossible for me to hear anything else aside from its deafening beat. my heart skipped faster that i can't keep up with it. i felt warm tears on my cheeks. i just kept on looking at you. at your eyes. somehow, i was expecting to see a little love and kindness in them. but there were none. there was only sadness.

then you let go of my hand, turned to the direction of the forest trail and left.

you left me crying on the cliff...my favorite hiding place in the forest.

************

i woke up gasping for air. i breathed double time. my lungs hurt. no, it was my heart that was hurting. as i adjusted my eyes in the darkness of my bedroom, i realized that they were misty. then, i felt the tears on my cheeks.

i checked my phone. 3:21 am

i sat on my bed hugging a pillow. i felt so scared and heart-broken as the dream flashed back to my mind. i just sat there, silent tears kept on flowing down my cheeks. i tried to ignore the dream that i just had but i can't. i refused to go back to sleep, terrified with the thought of dreaming again.

nature's brilliance

no more sunshine to wake me up in the morning. for a week now, i grope in the dark in my half-awake state of mind while trying to find the door of my bathroom.

the sky is gray most of the time. it rains. it's cold.

the dark skies can be depressing at times. but if i look at the sight just at the level of my eyes, i could see the balance that nature presents itself. the changing color of the leaves! they're magnificent! their rich summer green color shifting into vibrant yellowie-orange! it's difficult not to notice them. they stand out amidst the graying skies and brown-damp earth.

when i take a walk in the forest, i feel happy and grateful for the colors all around me. it's as if i'm an artist's canvass and all the colors are splashed at me to create a perfect painting. it's wonderful when the wind blows and those bright yellow and orange leaves come dancing and flashing towards me, enveloping me with a zesty vibration. they make me feel alive! and i feel animated when i stop by a very colorful tree.

when i feel like communing with nature, i just need to look around me. the shades of life is right there in front me. the reason to smile, to laugh, to dance, to love...to live!

nature and it's symmetry is stunning! mother nature surely has her own way of comforting and pleasing her children in times of darkness.

if nature loves me this much, i don't have any right to complain ; )

i love you, mother nature!

yehey! it's raining!

i'm going to have a goodnight's sleep. the sound of raindrops on the roof will lull me to a peaceful slumber.

i love you, rain!

confession

while you were gone
i drove Felix crazy
with my whinning
and whimpering
because
i mention your name
all the time

while you were gone
i shocked ate Hazel
when i threw myself
on my bed
on her bed
and on the extra bed
in our hotel room in Paris
...i whimpered
...i sighed
she knows
that i'm crazy
but she has never
seen me that crazy

while you were gone
i cruised the Sienne River
it just made me
heartsick
i was wishing that
you were there with me

while you were gone
i missed you so much
i thought about you
all the time
like
all the time

while you were gone
i cut my hair
i have no other
excuse for that
i just took
a pair of scissors
and slashed my hair

while you were gone
i went for a walk
in the forest
and talked to
the trees
the leaves
the twigs
the rocks
the birds
the wind
the rain
.....
because
there was no one else
whom i could
talk to
without driving
them crazy

while you were gone
i kept on
wishing
that you
would be home
soon
you just seem
so so far far away
i'm used to
having you far away
but not
so so so far far far away

while you were gone
i counted the days
and hours
i counted the time
before going to bed
and the moment
i wake up
in the morning

while you were gone
i went for a walk
to the glacier
i didn't mind
the harsh wind
or
the biting cold
because
you were the one
who was
on my mind

while you were gone
i have been so aware
of the days
the days were so long
the hours dragging
and i thought
that it had been
the longest 10 days
of my life

while you were gone
i kept myself busy
so that my mind
will be kept free
of thoughts of you
even for just a while
but...
well...
but....

i need a hug!

and a big bear hug, at that!

i don't know what exactly is happening to me right now. i feel so alone and lonely. i want to weep...but i can't. i want to cry out loud for all the world to hear that i need a hug! i need a hug to survive. i need lots and lots of hugs.

i wish there's a number that i can just call for a hug home delivery.

kuya Oscar isn't here to give me instant hugs anymore : (

where's Elvis? i can hug that cat instead...

or i can set off for a walk and look for the bear that people have seen in the forest a week ago.

kuya O, i need a hug!!!

somebody...anybody...give me a hug...please....

achy-breaky

i have been expecting for something to happen all day today. but it's almost sleeping time and nothing's happening yet.

oh, my achy-breaky heart....

aby and i joined ate hazel and her family for dinner. the food was superb and i ate heartily.

oh, my achy-breaky tummy....

ate hazel pulled out a box of cigarette and i was so tempted to try smoking. ignoring the warning "smoking kills" in front of the box, i lighted one stick. it felt good! so i lighted another one!

oh, my achy-breaky lungs....

it has been a long time since the three of us were together, so the fun and laughter overflowed.

oh, my achy-breaky heart and tummy....

i know i wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. i'm worried. i'm sad. i'm anxious. i'm in-love. i'm missing somebody so much.

be still, my heart....

if you really knew me

chapter 1

once upon a time, there was a girl who roamed around a strange city alone...she was seated on a bench with a man whom she was deeply affectionate with. but as they said farewell to each other, she found it difficult to just sit there and watch him walk away. with a heavy heart, she got up from the bench where she was seated and tried to gather all the strength that she could and walked through the streets.

that day, the sky was clear blue, the sun was out and the breeze was warm. it was a beautiful day! the girl found it ironic to feel so gloomy amidst the perfection all around her.

for how could she be happy along with everyone else, when she just said goodbye to a love that she has just found....and probably lost.

24 hours before that, she was seated on a bus heading to that unfamiliar place. the trip was too much for her. she was grasping for air all throughout the trip, because she was apprehensive to meet the man whose laughter she fell in love with. it was an outrageous decision for her to meet a stranger whom she felt "something" for. it was an intrepid idea, so she decided to seem cool about it. but still...the palpitation almost killed her.

when she got out of the bus, the man wasn't there yet. and she was glad that she could buy sometime to breathe in fresh air and compose herself.

first meeting.

she felt relaxed while walking towards the man whose laughter she fell in love with. he didn't scare her at all. and it surprised her how comfortable she felt with that man. afterall, she felt like she knew him already even before she met him.

they sat on a bench at the bus station. trying to feel the vibes between them. and just like that, the girl and the man started to talk. afterwards, they were finding their way through the unfamiliar streets of that place. they found a park. found amusement in a man who was doing his yoga in the upperside of the park. they wandered around the plaza for a while and finally found a bench to sit on.

it was only then that the girl looked into his eyes. his honey-colored eyes. just like Edward's, her favorite vampire character. they were soft and filled with peace and kindness. if it wouldn't seem impolite, she could have stared at his eyes forever.

father's love

this write-up is inspired by Gru, a super villain turned into a superdad in the movie "despicable me".

Gru adopted three little girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes, to serve his evil plans to steal the moon. The three girls did more than serve Gru's original plan. They actually changed him from superbad to superdad! i was laughing and crying at the same time when i saw the transformation in Gru's character. From a hateful and selfish person, he turned into a soft, loving and caring daddy...not only to the three girls but also to his minions ; )

flashback...

in the most busy and crowded subway train in Paris, i have witnessed a real tear-jerking scene. i was seated in the middle aisle of the train near the entrance. a man in his late thirties came into the train with his baby in a stroller. the baby was about 3 or 4 months old and looked like an angel. the baby's wide eyes were focused on his/her father. he/she didn't blink at all. the daddy was cooing and smiling and making faces at the baby. but the baby was just staring at him without blinking. the father stared back adoringly at the baby. they were staring at each each other's eyes, oblivious to the people and noise all around them. they existed in their own space and time in that train. then, the father gently touched the baby's temple and the baby closed its eyes and was asleep instantly. and there i was, looking on, at the most affectionate connection between two creatures. that scene really moved me, that on that crowded train, i let my guards off and let the tears fall out of my eyes.

today, on a trip to Briksdalsbreen, i encountered a father walking up to the glacier with his 5-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter. the sun was out today, but the wind was unforgiving at times. that made the walk to the glacier a kind of a struggle. anyway, the father and his kids were walking a way ahead of me. i saw how he protectively hugged his kids when the harsh cold wind blowed their way. he would lift his son onto his shoulders at times. oh, how he nuzzled with his son when he carried him in his arms! he mostly held the hand of his daughter while his son was running around the road. they stopped when they saw goats along the way. he pulled some grass and gave it to his kids so that they can feed the goats. when they came to the glacier, he found a huge rock where he let his kids stay to be safe from the biting wind so they can enjoy the view of the glacier. when his son complained that he was cold, he took off his jacket in an instant and wrapped it around the freezing little boy. that father's love to his kids was so touching. it was difficult to contain my emotions.

i know that everyone's talking about how great a mother's love is. it is highly overrated. i think, a father's love is one of a great kind too. it is unusual (for me) to see a man, soft and gentle around his children. and when i see one, my heart just melts and a rushing clear liquid fall down my cheeks.

cheers to all the great fathers!

........................................

here's the story which Gru wrote and read to Margo, Edith and Agnes as he tucked them to bed towards the end of the film:

one big unicorn

one big unicorn
strong and free
thought he was happy
as he could be

then three little kittens
came around
and turned his whole life
upside down

they made him laugh
they made him cry

he never should have said goodbye

and now he knows
he could never part
from those three little kittens
that changed his heart

- the end -

koselig fredag

the house was empty when i came home from a long walk in the forest. i went straight up to my room. i thought, well, it's another "instant noodles" dinner for me. barely 5 minutes later, my family came...half a heartbeat after that, Felix was in my room asking me if i want to join them for dinner. and just when he got out of my room, i received a text message from Finn-Einar, asking if i want fårikål and/or wine?

i brightened up with the thought of wine. okay, not really!

i went down and found my family already settled with their dinner in front of the telly. so i just fixed my own plate and joined them. flattered that Finn-Einar has adjusted the sofa closer to the table just for me. i settled down and devoured my fårikål with much gusto! it was yummy!

and the friday night rocked on with lots of laughter and more doses of wine while watching X-Factor. the house was filled with our giggles and delightful shrieks.

the wine rations kept flowing. afterall, FE said that girls with curly hair gets more wine. lucky me!

when the news break came in, Felix indulged us to play Ludo. so the four of us were intent on winning (for Kjersti and my case, giving way to Felix to win). it was a long game with lots of going back to base since one of us had to beat the one out. but to make the long story short, Felix won and everyone's happy!

indeed, family time is quality time. i never had any regrets for not joining my friends at the October "beer" Fest in Stryn. the moment that i shared with my family was so precious that i will always carry it in my heart. the jaw-aching laughter that we shared will always make my heart balloon.

i am happy to belong in this family.

and....TGIF!