nang erlie

dear nanay,

i miss you so much. i love you. i wish that you know how much i love you eventhough i have the strangest way of showing my love for you.

i miss our long talks over dinner. i miss the way you massage my back when i come home, super beaten by work, on weekends. i miss the way we sit quietly outside tatay coroy's small hut. i miss your endless (and sometimes, annoying) concern if i have taken my vitamins. i even miss the way you scold me.

you have been very strict with me and my siblings when we were growing up. i hated you for that. i hated the way you always say "no" to eveything that i wanted to do. but now i completely understand. it has been tough for you to raise the four of us alone. and i am so sorry if i made it harder for you. i am sorry for whatever heartaches i have caused you.

i know you have so much expectations from me. i have failed you. i am not sorry about that. i am living my life the way i want to. i am enjoying it. i am happy. i am lonely and i feel so alone sometimes. but that's a part of the package. it's the balance of life.

there are times when i just want to go back home, feel the comfort of your hug and just stay wrapped in your arms. but i am no longer a baby and i can't feel like a baby everytime you are near me.

i have learned to be independent and live on my own. i worked hard on it emotionally. i fought back the tears, the homesickness. and i can't let my guards off now.

i know that the moment i go back home, i will be this little girl again. i don't want that to happen.

so i'll keep my distance...

but please, know that i love you so much.