Thursday, May 3, 2018
my 4th
today marks my 4th year here. time flew so fast!
last night after sauna, daddy asked me if i can still remember what happened on the day that i arrived here. oh, yes! i remember it perfectly. it was a cloudy and cold day, i was the last one to come out of the arrival area because i had to report my missing luggage. daddy had some yellow roses for me. when we came here, his friends from the other city visited us too, then we went to the harbor and had some barbecue. i went to bed as soon as we came home because i was so sleepy and tired.
four years after, it's still cloudy and cold and i'm still sleepy and tired. hehehe! so, daddy and i decided to eat out and celebrate this day. we went to a mexican resto and enjoyed the very good food. 🎉♥
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
no, i don't want quadruplets
in 2016, after two years of being married, my husband and i finally decided to seek for medical help to have a child. i underwent several tests that i never thought i could ever endure, went to the hospital as often as i never would have imagined and went to one operation, are just some of the things i have done to bear a child. and at that time, i was just going with the flow, following what my ob asked me to do. i didn't really feel pressured about getting pregnant.
just before christmas last year, my ob talked to me and my husband about artificial insemination. i was hesitant about doing it, right away because... well, haven't i been through a lot already? but after talking about it with daddy, i was convinced to do it, but just after our vacation. me, daddy and my ob agreed about it.
at the end of january, when we came back from our holiday, we got in touch with my ob. also in february and march. but there was always some holiday or something going on at the hospital that they couldn't accommodate me. so i waited...
this april, i finally got in to their schedule and i had my check-up. my ob explained to us the process of AI. so first, i had to inject a medicine for my hormones. actually, daddy injected it on me for the first couple of days and for the next four days i did it myself, because i didn't have any choice since daddy was traveling. it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be. i guess, after all i've been through, i can face my greatest fear: injection and needles.
yesterday, i went back to my ob's clinic for my scheduled check-up. when my ob was doing the ultrasound, she sounded positive that my body responded well to the medicine and the follicles in my ovary have grown. great! i had my hopes soaring high when she said that. we talked last week that, when the follicles have grown enough, we will go to a hospital in Helsinki and do the AI procedure on the second day of may.
after the ultrasound, i settled myself on a chair while my ob called to the hospital in Helsinki. when my ob's voice dropped a good amount of decibels while she was speaking on the phone, i knew that something was wrong. when she ended the call, my ob looked at me with the saddest pair of misty eyes and told me that it's not possible to do the AI. she took a paper and drew a picture of the ovary and explained the scenario to me.
what came out in the ultrasound was, i have four beatifully grown follicles in my left ovary and five small ones in the right. if we will push through with the AI, the possibility of having quadruplets is huge. she said that i have a small body structure to carry four babies in my tummy. well, i want to have a baby, but four? i don't think so.
my ob said a lot of other things that i can barely remember now, on that moment, i felt like the doors have closed in on me and i have nowhere to go. i felt so sad, very sad. i wanted to cry but i didn't want to do that in front of my ob.
i feel so sad. i never thought that i wanted to have a baby this much until i found out its impossibility. i'm sad that i can't have my own baby, that no one will call me "mother".
i just think about it this way...it's a good thing not to have a baby because, maybe i won't be a good mother. it wouldn't be fair for the child if i have one because i'm old and i don't think i can keep up playing with him or her.
right now, i just don't want to see mothers with their babies or pregnant women. it makes me sad. very very sad.
just before christmas last year, my ob talked to me and my husband about artificial insemination. i was hesitant about doing it, right away because... well, haven't i been through a lot already? but after talking about it with daddy, i was convinced to do it, but just after our vacation. me, daddy and my ob agreed about it.
at the end of january, when we came back from our holiday, we got in touch with my ob. also in february and march. but there was always some holiday or something going on at the hospital that they couldn't accommodate me. so i waited...
this april, i finally got in to their schedule and i had my check-up. my ob explained to us the process of AI. so first, i had to inject a medicine for my hormones. actually, daddy injected it on me for the first couple of days and for the next four days i did it myself, because i didn't have any choice since daddy was traveling. it wasn't as scary as i thought it would be. i guess, after all i've been through, i can face my greatest fear: injection and needles.
yesterday, i went back to my ob's clinic for my scheduled check-up. when my ob was doing the ultrasound, she sounded positive that my body responded well to the medicine and the follicles in my ovary have grown. great! i had my hopes soaring high when she said that. we talked last week that, when the follicles have grown enough, we will go to a hospital in Helsinki and do the AI procedure on the second day of may.
after the ultrasound, i settled myself on a chair while my ob called to the hospital in Helsinki. when my ob's voice dropped a good amount of decibels while she was speaking on the phone, i knew that something was wrong. when she ended the call, my ob looked at me with the saddest pair of misty eyes and told me that it's not possible to do the AI. she took a paper and drew a picture of the ovary and explained the scenario to me.
what came out in the ultrasound was, i have four beatifully grown follicles in my left ovary and five small ones in the right. if we will push through with the AI, the possibility of having quadruplets is huge. she said that i have a small body structure to carry four babies in my tummy. well, i want to have a baby, but four? i don't think so.
my ob said a lot of other things that i can barely remember now, on that moment, i felt like the doors have closed in on me and i have nowhere to go. i felt so sad, very sad. i wanted to cry but i didn't want to do that in front of my ob.
i feel so sad. i never thought that i wanted to have a baby this much until i found out its impossibility. i'm sad that i can't have my own baby, that no one will call me "mother".
i just think about it this way...it's a good thing not to have a baby because, maybe i won't be a good mother. it wouldn't be fair for the child if i have one because i'm old and i don't think i can keep up playing with him or her.
right now, i just don't want to see mothers with their babies or pregnant women. it makes me sad. very very sad.
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