listening

i have difficulties in hearing and listening. i need to listen to someone or something at least twice before i can react to what i've heard.

so, it came as a BIG surprise to me when i got my TOEFL results and i found out that my highest score was in listening! unbelievable! really? really?!

i'm happy to know that i'm not that deaf after all. i'm just a selective listener.

paranoia

the best way to handle paranoia is just to focus on what's in front of you


Grey's Anatomy
Season 6 Episode 3

let me be

if i seem indifferent and distant
don't talk or do things that i used to do
just let me be

if i no longer amuse you
or give you that smile that you have gotten used to
let me be

if i want to be alone
and wander through the pages of a book
let me be

i am entitled for silence
for silence is my refuge
i am allowed to be alone
for it is the only way to be with my self
i am excused not to join you
in whatever you do
because you don't amuse me
and what you do is neither amusing

so please, let me be

santa baby (Eartha Kitt)

Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, a 54 convertible too, light blue
I'll wait up for you dear
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun i've missed
Think of all the fellas that i haven't kissed
Next year i could be just as good
If you'd check off my christmas list

Santa honey, i wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa honey, theres one thing i really do need, the deed
To a platinum mine
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Sign your 'x' on the line
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my christmas tree
With some decorations bought at tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry tonight

separation anxiety

last night, i slept with dried tears on my cheeks and Carlos Ruiz Zafon's "The Shadow of the Wind" wrapped in my arms.

i have been engulfed to a certain level of intimacy with Fermin, Daniel, Julian, Nuria and all the great characters in the book. for the past two weeks, i wandered the streets of Barcelona with them, got soaked in the rain, shared their fear, frustration, hatred and love, got involved in their tangled relationship, laughed and cried with them and literally slept with them. i didn't want that experience to end even if it broke my heart at some point. even if it scared me that i can hardly sleep.

i didn't want the story to end, because those characters have been a part of me. they were here to keep me company, to occupy my heart and mind. i allowed them to possess me. they awakened my senses and emotions.

when i was reading the last few pages of the book, i felt that everyone of them was slipping away from me. even fermin, whom i considered as my best friend. i felt that they were abandoning me. they went on with their lives and i was left all alone. embracing the book after i read the last sentence was a matter of holding them back....keeping them close to me...keeping them alive in my mind.

....you see, some people's fantasy is my reality.


synopsis of "The Shadow of the Wind", taken from the back cover of the book:

Hidden in the heart of the old city of Barcelona is the "Cemetery of Forgotten Books", a labyrinthine library of obscure and forgotten titles. To this library, a man brings his ten-year-old son, Daniel, one cold morning in 1945. Daniel is allowed to choose one book and from the dusty shelves pulls 'The Shadow of the Wind' by Julian Carax. But as Daniel grows up, several people seem inordinately interested in his find. What begins as a case of literary curiosity turns into a race to find out the truth behind the life and death of Julian Carax and to save those he left behind.

buena mano

first snowfall of the season.

syempre, hindi ako pahuhuli sa mga blooperous acts ko.

bonggang bongga ang pagsalpak ko sa semento habang pauwi na kami ng orc ko. ewan ko ba! akala ko di madulas. pero ayun na nga! sumemplang na ako and all! and take note, sa kalagitnaan pa ng pedestrian lane! kaloka! wala man lang konting discretion. center stage talaga palagi ang mga bloopers ko!

nag sorry pa sa akin ang orc ko. sabi ko sa kanya, "di mo kasalanan yun. madulas lang yung daan". wala pa ngang 1 meter yung lakad namin, sya na naman yung sumemplang! hayyy!!!

kaya very careful na ang aming paglakad. sabay enjoy na rin sa falling snow. yun nga lang, muntik muntikan na kaming abutin ng 25 years bago makarating ng bahay.

tsk! tsk! tsk!

into my own by Robert Frost

ONE of my wishes is that those dark trees,
So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,
Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,
But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day
Into their vastness I should steal away,
Fearless of ever finding open land,
Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,
Or those should not set forth upon my track
To overtake me, who should miss me here
And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew—
Only more sure of all I thought was true.



(A Boy's Will. 1915)

smitten

a visit to the dental clinic was not really my idea of a good tuesday morning. but thanks to Kjersti, who booked an appointment for my dental check-up with dr. frank-jakob sandbakk, i was in an early morning rush to catch my dental consultation at 09:30.

i was right on the dot when i arrived in the clinic. i was told to wait for a while. then, the dental assistant took a couple of pictures of my dents. after a minute or so, she led me to a room.

there and then, i was smitten! he introduced himself and offered his hand for a handshake. mystified and stunned, i shook his hand and smiled. everything was silent then. i was engulfed by his presence. i can't take my eyes off his thick eyebrows. they were beautiful eyebrows. he led me to the dental chair. reality snapped back to me when i saw the dental apparatus. they weren't pleasant to my eyes. (i have always been scared of dental check-ups and this one is no exception.) i just wanted to look at his eyebrows and internalize that everything's gonna be fine. but the lights blinded me and when he started checking and poking on each tooth in my mouth, i felt embarrassed. my mouth is such a dreadful place. it is an awful thing when you reveal your darkest side to someone who had just bewitched you. urgh! minus points.

he worked on my teeth for half an hour. he told me that i need to have one of my tooth pulled out. WHAT?! ain't i too old to be agonized by the thought of having a tooth extraction? he asked me if i could come back tomorrow. i asked him if there is any chance for an appointment next week. it will give me time to think whether or not will i have my tooth removed.

if and only if i'll come back to his clinic on wednesday next week, it will be because i was enamoured with his beautiful eyebrows and his handsome face.

ps. i talked to kjersti about my dental check-up today and she assured me that if i'll decide to go on with the extraction i'm in good hands with dr. sandbakk. so help me God....

sleeping with strangers

i was looking for a place to stay for a couple of nights in Oslo. I googled and i found a hostel which i liked. i tried to book online but there was a problem with my card. when i checked the hostel's website the following day, it was fully booked. i was so annoyed. i still had one hostel in mind but it's a little outside of Oslo already. so, one day, i called the hostel in the heart of Oslo city, the one which i really liked, and asked if they still have an available bed for their "shared-room". happiness swept over me when the woman on the phone said yes. voila! she arranged a booking for me!

now came friday.

it took me at least an hour to find the hostel. i have no sense of direction, alright! and when i found it, i was, mmmm....i felt quite weird. i buzzed on the door and i was in in a flash. i didn't like the smell. old cigarette smoke smell. but, well...i didn't mean to be so judgmental. besides, it was the only place which i can afford to pay. okay. proceed...i got my key from the receptionist and went straight to my assigned room.

the room was wide enough for the 5 of us who will be sharing it. i got the widest bed in the room. oh, what a treat! i was the first one to arrive too! i wanted to hit the sheets already, since i had a headache and i needed the rest for the exam the following day. but i thought better of it, grabbed my jacket and went out again. it was only 4 in the afternoon, after all.

i got back to the hostel at 6. i took a shower and got ready for bed. i fell asleep around half past seven. an hour later, a was awakened by the clicking sound of the key on the door. oh well, here comes my roommate/s. they tried to be as quiet as possible when they got into the room. whispering like old chinese women. they didn't even put the lights on. how considerate. they didn't want to wake me up. i wiggled on my bed and tried to figure them out in the darkness. holy cow! they were male species! guys, men, lalaki! and there were two of them! panic attack! i covered myself with my comforter. i didn't know what to do. should i run out of the room and ask the receptionist, WHY are there men in my assigned room? should i get my pen, the only deadly weapon that i had in my bag and have it in my hand throughout the night? i couldn't breath under the sheets. i felt trickles of sweat on my forehead. i didn't move until i could hear their silent whispers no more.

i tried to gather my thoughts. is this the way all these hostels in oslo work? was i just ignorant about these stuffs? what should i do?

after a long time of thinking and just staring blank at the wall, i decided to just go back to sleep, relaxed my mind for the exam the next day, resolved to the idea that all humans are, in nature, good. and those two guys would do me no harm.

i fell back to sleep until 3 in the morning when a loud sound woke me up. i thought it was my alarm. already? i needed more sleep! my subconsciousness wavered. i realized the loud sound was the fire alarm. i didn't panic or felt scared. i felt really annoyed! i wanted to sleep! but the alarm was just going and going and going. so i got up and by then i realized that there's another man in the room. it was me and the three of them. they weren't bothered by the alarm at all. i got out of my bed and opened the door just when someone shouted "false alarm"! i let out a loud "urggghhh!" in annoyance.

it was in light of saturday morning when the strangers and i acknowledged each other. i said "good morning" to them and went out of the room in a rush. what else was there to say to strangers whom you've spent a night in a room with?

there will be no next time. that's for sure!

gossip girl made me cry

towards the end of gossip girl's episode 6 of season 3, GG said, " when it comes to family, we're all still children at heart. no matter how old we get, we'll always need a place to call home because without the people you love the most, you can't feel but all alone in the world".

*i miss home. and i miss my mom...and everyone back home. i couldn't contain the tears. i've never felt this strong desire to be home*

ambush

i came home from a belly-bulging-Volda-Øresta trip with ate hazel, kuya geir, berta and rafael last night at around 7. while we were driving back to Stryn, i was already planning on how to spend my saturday night.

mmmm...first, chocolate-feeding. then, i will work on my listening comprehension for the TOEFL. after that, i will relax, play lover's in paris and splurge on paprika-flavored potato chips.

but the moment i went into my room, Felix was there, attacking me with all his fast-paced stories which i can hardly comprehend. an hour after that, mader knocked on my door and asked if our terrier could stay in my room for the night, or at least, until their party ends. okay, no problem. a little less than an hour later, Rebecca knocked on my door and asked if Felix could sleep in my room because he's scared to sleep alone. okay, no problem.

the minute i closed my door, with the two boys in my boudoir, i went crazy as they filled my room with adrenaline rush. oscar wouldn't stop whinning and scratching my door. obviously, he wanted, so much, to join the party of 14 people downstairs. huh! talk about a very social animal. and Felix? oh well, apart from the fact that he was annoyed for being banned to go downstairs, he was pissed because my pc works rather slowly, and he didn't have the patience to wait until the system is finished downloading those bakugan episodes. his whinning was far more annoying than oscar.

patience....patience is a virtue...i had to repeat my mantra for a hundred times to collect my remaining sanity.

with my well-planned saturday night gone to the trash, i just made the best out of what i can do. i cleaned my nails. when Felix was already asleep, i had the chance to see lover's in paris. but, with oscar's unending whinning, barking and scratching, i wasn't able to sleep until 3 in the morning.

unprepared

i am narcissistic. i admit that. i could spend hours and hours in front of the mirror admiring whatever is (i think) admirable in me.

i love pictorials. i love it when my friends take pictures of me. i love to pose and project. years of pictorial for friendster's purposes have developed my love for the camera. i know my angles, how wide my smile should be, when to make faces and when to make the moments appear candid. i'm not pretty, so, at least, i want to be prepared for photo shoots. always.

today was an exception. i went to the police to have my passport stamped for my extension visa. i didn't know that they will take a picture of me. i was shocked when the police said that i should take my jacket off and sit on a chair and face the spaceship-like machine. i was shocked that i didn't even care how i looked. the police even said to me, "maybe you'd like to see yourself in the mirror first". OMG! i didn't like what i saw. but they didn't have the whole day and i didn't have my kikay kit with me.

it was like a death sentence. i was advised to look at the white flashy thing in that spaceship-like machine and keep my lips together. of course, the machine was designed for tall people! when tall people have their picture taken from that machine they would be on eye-level with that flashy thing. of course, i am a midget compared to them! and you know what, when i got my passport back, my picture on it was like...is it a bird, is it a plane or is it an alien attack? imagine that! and it would be on my passport forever. okay. only until it expires. but still...

*thunder and lightning*

yubiii!

nagtatatalon na ang mga coronary arteries ko sa sobrang saya! dumating na ang extension permit ko! at ibig sabihin non, tuloy na tuloy na ang Paris trip! hello french fries, french guys...at meron kayang french kiss na mangyayari? ooops! kaloka ito! buti naman at hindi ako nahulog sa hagdan nung tinawagan ako ni mader para i-relay ang magandang balita. eh ano naman kung isipin ng mga nakakasalubong ko na lukaret ako na habang naglalakad eh nakangiti na parang ewan. masaya ako eh! at everytime na naiisip ko ang french fries napapa smile ako.

*buntong hininga*

bonjour Paris!

i get ecstatic every time i look at this piece of paper



i am still waiting for my extension visa and yet, i already have a ticket for the Paris trip. i am looking forward for the trip every single day! i even watched kc's documentary about her 4-year stay in the city of love. and what's worse? i've been watching lover's in paris! huh!

i have a list of places that i want to visit when i am there. i hope that 3 days would be enough to do everything that I am supposed to do when i'm there.

eeeeee!!!!!! can't wait!

so help me, G....

in fairness, i've been practicing for my TOEFL exam, which is scheduled a couple of weeks from now. what i didn't know, is that i've been studying for the paper-based test, when in fact, i should be working on the iBT test! stupid me!

for some reasons, i was inpired to google for free online iBT practice last night. goodness gracious! i was shocked! my brain was paralyzed for a while. so, okay then. i started to work on it.

the practice test was more on reading comprehension, which is my waterloo. i am a slow reader. normally, i would read a passage over and over again. at times, my eyes just brush through the words on the pages of a book. passive reading. but i can't do that when i work on the exam. how about reading a passage for 45 seconds and understanding everything? heller? i can't even finish reading a couple of paragraphs in that time span! how much more understanding what the text was all about!

my nose is bleeding!

practice...practice...practice and more practice! that is just what i need to do.

if it comes to worse, i hope mabeth's novena will work : )

mcdreamy and me

i call him boyfriend. him. patrick dempsey aka dr. derek shepherd of grey's anatomy.

i used to purposely walk to this store which sells sunglasses in the centrum. they had a poster of him. i normally stand outside the store, smile back at him through the glass window and whisper, "hi, boyfriend". when i'm at the other side of the road, i shout it out!

but the store changed their posters and display a couple of months ago. i freaked out when i went there and found him gone. there's no sense of going to the centrum anymore.

BUT! i found a picture of him in a magazine! my heart danced with so much joy!

now, my boyfriend and his bright smile occupy a part of my corkboard.

heart-fattening

if i weigh 50-something kilos the next time i step on the weighing scale, then i conclude: my heart blew up!

i walked with oscar in the middle of the day to the "book". i took nikon with me because i wanted to immortalize some moments of today. i captured beautiful angles of mother nature. nikon was so cooperative with me and mother nature was obviously up to the photo shoot! perfect! a kilo score to my heart.

on the way home to visnes, i bumped into kåre and his pappa in the middle of the bridge. kåre is a sweet 6-year old girl with asperger syndrome. she goes to the same kindergarten as felix. there were times when her parents would give us a ride home. sometimes when she sees me in vikalida, she would come to me and ask "vil du sitte på bilen os?". anyway, i exchanged hello's with her pappa while she was clinging to the railings of the bridge. suddenly, she took my right hand and put three melted beads into it. i was stunned and i stuttered. her pappa told me that they were for me. lovely gifts from kåre. i hugged her and said "tusen takk!". she gave me her sweetest smile and went back to her own world. pop goes my heart! 5 kilos, at least, were added to my kardia.

while sharing the sentiments of fermina daza and florentino ariza in "love in the time of cholera", i got a call from lea and mark boelskifte plus the background voice of mader anja. the kids called to say thank you for the hue that i made for them. in her own english way, lea told me "you having make the hue it's so beautiful". the boelskifte's will always have a part of my heart and everytime they get in touch (which happens rather more often now that lea has her own cp), my heart goes shalalalala! 5 more kilos go to my cardiac organ.

i am so loved.

i really don't mind getting heavier as long as the greater part of it comes from my blown up heart.

the kunal encounter

it was almost 3 years ago when i met this guy from India in a yahoo chatroom. we clicked! it was like magic. he is younger than me but he is more mature than i am. i loved talking to him and listening to him when he sang "mr. lonely". and like all of my other acquaintance, we lost contact.

but today, we found each other again!

kunal is the kind of guy whom i can talk to about anything, everything. if there is such a thing as a soulmate, then he would be mine. he's the sweetest, thoughtful, most sensible, most sensitive and funniest guy alive. he can read my mind. he's not afraid to ask me questions, even the most personal one. and he really expects an answer to all his questions. to another person, i would just merely shy away and ignore the awkward questions, but to him, it's different. i'm not scared to answer his queries. yes, he annoys me and i can freely tell him that. we disagree about certain perspectives but i end up seeing the light from all my confusions. he's my angel.

today, he told me that "If only" is one of his favorite movies. that he cried when he saw it. i was thinking, how many men in this planet can appreciate that film?

i, definitely, will keep kunal as a friend, as my angel. i am so lucky afterall : )

dearest J

i miss bumping on you in the messenger.

how have you been?

J, i feel guilty for not telling you about M earlier. i don't exactly know why i feel that way, but i do. i know, i kinda promised my forever to you, whether you believed it or not. it was true. it still stands true.

you know, i wish to be the princess in your happily-ever-after drama. i dream about it. but maybe it's just my silly imagination. when all the while, you really meant L to be with you in your fairytale ending.

ouch!

J, i still want to hear that story which you've been wanting to tell me

idle

i have a good excuse for staying in bed most of the day for a couple of days now. i have an excruciating dysmenorrhea attack. it's reason enough to miss mr. sun's kiss on my cheeks, which i've been missing a whole lot these rainy autumn days.

along with my idleness, i fed my tummy with chips, chocolate-chip cookies and soda, watched my favorite romantic movies, "the notebook", "kate & leopold" .... i am waiting for the buffering buffer to stop so i can watch "when harry met sally".

i did some knitting while watching those films. i was able to finish two hats, one for joan and one for the soon-to-be-25-year-old-kid delcorazon.

last night i was tuned in to iFM-manila and i can't help but smile on each song that was played on their sunday rewind. it was the 60's or 70's music, okay. i remember my father when i hear frank sinatra's voice on the air.

i talked to ms. doris on skype. we had a good laugh. my cheeks hurt but we laughed harder, we just couldn't stop. it was a good catching up. i'd never want to grow apart from my friends and this skype, ym and all these sites which connects me to people are blessings from somewhere out there.

i love this idleness. and what makes it better is that, i didn't need to hang a "do not disturb" warning on my door.

now, now, i have a movie to watch.

screaming mode

this ala-mother-to felix'-thing is getting into my nerves. i want to be alone and be with myself even for just an hour but he always tags along with me wherever i go. patience...patience

is this how all mothers feel like?

ugh!

4.10.09

full moon.

kainan kina ate maria.

amanda tried to talk to me. i was amazed because a few months ago, she wouldn't even come to me. the little girl has charm...and a potential "N"

mormor is here! yahoo! i can go out tomorrow!

papa M sent me a sms. aawwww...nag melt naman ang heart ko...

nag wear na ako ng winter jacket when i took a walk with kuya oscar.

ang ganda ng stryn...snowcapped mountain, full moon, stars, lights sa beverly hills...kaloka!

chat with lenell. haaayyyy..."love is difficult, but real" daw

started to knit a hat

bike, football, swing, skateboard, kahoy, grøt, atbp

....

trio no more

sharon and i bade goodbye to joan last thursday night at the bus station. it was a fast and no fuss farewell to a friend. we were just our crazy selves, walking to the bus station with me, dragging oscar, sharon tugging on joan's luggage while the latter was screaming "goodbye stryn". we took pictures of ourselves with my half-blown camera, laughed at the littlest things and complained about the secondhand smoke that we couldn't avoid getting from the other waiting passengers. we hugged each other so tight and kissed goodbye. at 11 25 joan's bus finally left stryn.

our trio's down to two.

these two girls have been more like a mirror who talks back to me. i can tell them anything and most of the time, they did not tolerate my nature. instead, they would slap me back to reality with words like "g__a!", "tanga ka ba?!", "loka" and a lot more words which were, and still are, taboo to me. in cases when they seem to have a diarrhea of the mouth, i never failed to remind them to use a mouthwash.

honesty is the best policy: in our trio, everyone can just speak freely. even if it means hurting the other one. well, i messed up most of the time, so i had enough of those things that i didn't want to hear but i had to listen to from them anyway. the two of them were a little bit harsh in our confession-penitence episodes, but i have to admit that their points were qualified to be right.

saying goodbye to a friend is hard for me. i don't want to be the friend who's left behind. cliche as it may sound, but i'm happy for joan. she's chosen the less popular decision but i know that she's happy with her family and loved ones.

well, we could still be a trio. only that the pacific ocean separates one from the other two.

trick or treat

at 2am on an early sunday morning of September, sharon, me-myself and kuya oscar, dragged our heavy butts down to the centrum of stryn. we were just supposed to take kuya oscar for a walk and we also wanted to clear our lungs and heads with fresh air after long hours of babysitting, knitting and watching incomprehensible films on norwegian tv.

as we strode along the dimly lit street, i asked sharon if we could drop by at joan's and say hi. she immediately agreed to the idea. for the remaining steps down to walhalla, we were like little girls, restlessly giggling.

the light in joan's room was lit up when we came to walhalla. sharon peeped through her window to see if she was still awake. when she confirmed that joan was down, i banked at her window. a few seconds later, the light in the room was turned off. sharon and i were exchanging signals between our muffled laughter. sharon knocked again and we hid. nothing happened. in the pregnant silence, oscar barked and our little trick was over.

time for the treat! two cans of wildberry cider and half a bar of chocolate. it felt like heaven. sharon and i gulped down our treats in twenty counts, chatted with joan for a bit and walked our way back to the upper east side of stryn.

next time, our trick will be more grand. we were thinking about costume, blah..blah..blah...

knitting

i finished knitting my first hat yesterday : ) and i am so proud of myself!

sharon, my knitting mentor, was on the verge of throwing me out of her apartment at 10 in the evening. she lost her patience with a slow-learner like me. i, on the other hand, was so intent in sucking all that i needed to know from her before she leaves for Denmark. so, in an hour or so, she taught me how to decrease, increase, do some stitches other than the normal one. boy, was she tired of me! but i really made my first hat! at least MY patience has paid off! haha!

...my mother would be shocked if she knew that i am knitting. she tried to teach me this domestic skill when i was in grade school. i didn't have the will and patience to learn something SO boring that time...

coraline

i went to see the animated movie "coraline" which was based on neil gaiman's novel of the same title. it was about a girl, coraline jones, who was so bored with her new life in their new house...so tired of her busy parents - a mother who didn't cook and a father who was...Boring. then, coraline found a door which led her to her "other home" and her "other mother and father". the other dimension was so much better, for coraline, at least. what, with all the treats from her "other parents". i could have been convinced to stay in the other world, too, if i can have watermelon and lychee smoothie in an instant. anyway, it turned out that her "other parents" were really bad creatures who just wanted to "eat" her so that they can retain their fresh, vibrant and youthful aura. at this point, coraline was so desperate to go back to her real home and parents. only to realize that they were gone. our brave little caroline went back to the other end of the "door" to win her parents back from the evil "other mother", which she succeeded, plus, she was able to find the eyes of the three ghosts who were imprisoned by the copycat mother. in the end, coraline was reunited with her parents, who were not so perfect but REAL.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i arrived in a very quiet house. very quiet, like, i can hear my own heartbeat. i was thinking, am i in the other dimension? is this a part of the movie? only that instead of coraline, it's "joan" who's in it? so where is my "other mader" and "other finn-einar" then? as i was tiptoeing on my way to the kitchen, oscar came out from his hide-out under the living room table. he's real! he didn't have button-eyes! kuya oscar is for real! but wait, my family is still gone. mmmmmm....okay. i'll just sleep through this and tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

starting to choke

she has always wanted to be in a relationship. a hopeless romantic. dreaming of meeting her perfect man in the bus, elevator, in the mall...all of those far-from-reality scenarios on how people find their one true love.

now that she's into one, or so it seems, she's kind of scared and irritated. the fact is, she cares for this guy. she cares for him when she wants to. she loves him when she feels like it. she meets him only when she feels like she loves him. when all these feelings are absent, she retreats into her own world. she even forgets about him, until somebody wakes her up and remind her that she should never let go of this man. people around her tells her all the time, that she's so lucky to have found a man like him. she doesn't agree with them.

he wants to meet her soon. she doesn't want to. but she feels like she needs to. she knows that she can't give him up just now. and meeting him is like going into a party with no alcohol served.

he said, it will be fun seeing each other again. she thought, he doesn't even know the meaning of the word "fun".

green green grass

i woke up at 8am. the earliest time that i've gotten out of my bed after 27 days. and i'm kind of a in a good mood to mow the lawn. i feel so positive that i fixed the extension cord, which, by the way, me and myself damaged.

after grabbing my jacket ang boots i head on to the first task that entered into my cobwebbed mind. well, oh well...the lawnmower didn't make a sound. i tried to twist the extension cord here and there, but no! i guess, we'll just enjoy the 5 inches green green grass of home.

.......need to watch out for snakes......

trying

i have never been a planner. i live everyday of my life just as it is. things happen along the way and i deal with them the best that i could. and i never had any problems with that.

a couple of days ago, i realized that i had so much time on my hand and i have nothing to do. so i recovered my long-hidden post-its and started to write down "to do" stuffs, and posted it on my bathroom door.

on the first day, i managed not to do anything that was on my list. nothing. i mean, how can that possibly be? i felt so annoyed and disappointed! so, okay, i tried on the second day. out of 5 "to-do's", i did 1! that was because i got distracted by some stuffs. distractions always take my time. as a matter of fact, distractions turn out to be "to-do" stuffs to me.

i will never be a planner. and i'm resolved to be me!

checkpoints for life by banana yoshimoto

* are your taste buds working properly?

* do you look forward to waking up in the morning?

* are you happy all day?

* do you feel good when you go to bed at night?

...now. you are standing on the street and you see a friend coming...

* are you happy?

* or is it a bother?

...look around and notice the scenery...

* does the beauty of nature strike at your heart?

* what about music?

* how does it sound?

...think about a trip overseas...

* is that something you'd be interested in?

* do you get excited when you think about it?

* or is it just another pain in your life?

* do you look forward to tomorrow?

* how about the day after next?

* what comes to mind when i say "future"?

* does it excite you?

* depress you?

* how do you feel right now?

* are things going well?

* do you look in the mirror and like what you see?

quagging

whatever that word means....

i dreamt of george o'malley last night. sorry izzie, but we were the bestest of friends in my dream. and when i saw george, i felt overjoyed and hugged him so tight that he can hardly breath. and he said to me, "this is not hugging, this is quagging". so quagging, it is. we were quagging and giggling.....

the happiest dream i've had for as far as my short-human-memory can take me.

puppy love

our little jack russel is in love with our neighbor's labrador.

that explains all his frequent runaway (which made me cry for eternity); his painful howling at night; the never-ending sniffing; the testosterone rush; and may i also add the loss of appetite? (naks!)

i don't want to interfere with kuya oscar's lovelife. but as we were walking this morning, i told him that, when it comes to love, he has my all out support. but, aguida is a labrador, a big labrador at that. wouldn't it be more appropriate if he fall for someone his own size or the same breed?

right, i'm still meddling.

but wait. if they're going to have puppies, what will they be called? labrier? terriedor?

it's somehow a relief that the family's going to spend the holy week at the cottage. i hope that one week is enough for oscar to forget his first love. i hope he'll meet another terrier.

ah, my kuya oscar and his puppy love. cute.

the edge of patience

i really thought i was doing a good job on holding my patience intact. apparently, my mental-timer was set for only 10 days. i can feel it wearing off. quickly. i snapped but just in time to hold a snarl.

i needed to be alone to calm myself...i extended the patience-timer for a little bit longer. like, 6 more hours...

all the angels and saints...help me. please.

mader-maderan

7 days na akong nanay-nanayan. apat na tulog na lang at single na ulit ako!

buti na lang hindi mahirap kausap ang orc ko. kahit hindi kami nagkakaintindihan minsan, dahil nga hindi ko pa masyadong nai-embrace ang nynorsk, eh, nagagawan naman ng paraan. at sa pang pitong araw na ito, super cool pa rin ang aming samahan.

actually, masaya sya. ang maging nanay-nanayan. lalo na nung weekend. andon lang kami sa terrace, at in-enjoy ang first "t-shirt lang" day namin. at nung naglaro kami ng bowling, super feel ko talaga ang motherhood. syempre more ang cheer ko sa orc ko. kasi mas magaling pa syang mag bowling kesa sa akin. at kahit na mapakanal man ang bola, cheer pa rin ako sa kanya. give them a sense of pride di ba, sabi nung sa kanta. at nag improve na rin sya sa swimming. kaya na nyang mag slide na sya na lang mag isa. nung first nya na tinry yun, andun talaga ako sa end ng slide at naghihintay sa kanya. proud moment ko yun! grabe! di ko ma explain ang kaligayahan ko.

in a way, natuto naman akong maging responsible for another human being. kasi nga di ako sanay. may sariling mundo nga ako, di ba? at ako at ako lang ang iniisip ko. pero ngayon, okay naman pala sya. napapakain ko naman sya sa oras. nagigising on time para pumasok sa kindergarten, napapabihisan ko naman sya, may bedtime stories din naman kami...and mukha naman syang happy. so kahit papaano parang napi feel ko na successful naman ang pagiging nanay ko for 7 days.

sabi ng bestfriend ko, meron na daw akong mother's instinct. okay fine!

jan na lang muna ang mother's instinct na yan habang wala pa akong sperm donor.

freaking!

for someone who is so used to having a cool, undisturbed and out of this world existence, just a mere e-encounter with a long lost friend is freaking!

so i woke up with the thought of hugh...it was overwhelming! can you imagine how defeaning my heart's dubdub was, when, i was still on the process of pouring out all my emotions on hugh, and out of a sudden this long lost friend appeared on my computer screen with a "joanna hello!"?

i was in panic! my whole world shook! i couldn't contain the happiness, confusion, fear, agony, shame....i wanted to jump off the cliff just a few meters outside my bedroom!

okay, breath in...breath out (1 million times)

why such an effect? say, i sent this long lost friend an email of my confession...that i was (or still) in love with him. i sent to him the most outrageous email i've ever composed in my 29 years of existence almost a year ago. and what was so shameful about this whole confession thing was that, he didn't even believe me! he thought i was just making a BIG joke!

and so
i made a vow of silence
between him and me

we didn't hear anything from each other after that.
not until that hughful saturday morning.

of course, i tried to fish for something but he was playing safe and so was i. i figured, my confession is a taboo so i didn't brought it up. i didn't want to scare him away. the conversation was plain and somehow comforting but mostly freaking (for me, at least)

god, i miss him! a lot!

i ended our chat with an "i love you"
and he replied with a FREAKING
"i love you too"

to balance that freaking morning, i joined my friends for dinner. i wanted to drown on the 1-year beer supply of sharon. i drank as much as my tummy can take. if i could only fill my lungs with beer, i could have drank more. anyway, i thought my beer intake would put me to a long and undisturbed sleep. but no! i was freaking out because sleep didn't come. i was freaking awake for the entire freaking night!

now, i am a certified freaking freak!!!

yes, it's hugh!

i woke up this morning and the first person who entered into my semi-conscious mind...hugh jackman. what could be better than that? huh?! seriously, hugh brightened the hues of my saturDAY!

so, instinctively, i got out of my bed and checked the time. it was only 0830. let's say, it's quite early to get up on a weekend. but what the heck! i needed to check on my hugh!

i turned on my obsolete pc and at times like these i needed to recite my mantra "patience is a virtue" for 1 million times before getting to the main page. okay...moving on....

youtube. i checked on the oscar's 2009. overwhelming emotions drowned me. i played the video clips in random. first, hugh and beyonce's medley of the greatest musicals ever! seeing hugh perform was a surprise to me! i know that he does musicals too, but i've never seen him perform. and seeing him like that, in the only thing that i am most passionate about, totally swept me off my seat. every vein in my human body was tingling. and before i even realize it, tears were streaming down my unwashed face. (yes, i could be so touchy sometimes when i watch a very outstanding stage performance) i needed to contain my emotions before moving on to the next clip which was the introduction. brilliant! totally brilliant! he's the guy who could put on a real show! i almost forgot that it was the oscar's. he certainly deserved the standing ovation from the greatest actors and actresses.

talk about starting the day right, huh!

PS. i thought i had so much to write about hugh....but something more distracting came up. and i couldn't formulate my thoughts quite properly. how can this possibly happen in one day?

paano ba ang mag isa? (naks!)

masaya ako kasi after 3 months ngayon lang ulit ata ako nagkaroon ng time para sa self ko. ang saya! tahimik at walang istorbo. di ko na kailangang i torture ang diwa ko every morning pag pinupukaw ako ng alarm. kakain ng breakfast ng ala una sa hapon. manonod ng movie(s) pagkagising na pagkagising. maglumpasay man ako sa kakaiyak o magkanda-hiyaw sa tuwa, walang sinumang maiistorbo. recess mode din ako sa kaka research ng mga new recipes. mag stay sa banyo ng halos dalawang oras. mag experiment sa kitchen. magbasa kahit anong oras ko gusto at abutin man ng magdamag sa kaka wander sa kung anumang lugar na maaabot ng overactive imagination ko.

ibang klase talaga ang buhay pag mag isa ka lang......

my kittiE guide

after school
sharon and i were hiking up to her place
my kittiE guide appeared out nowhere
it was so sweet
a little lonely, i may say
flirty
i'm sure it didn't look hungry
and when i called it "Edward"
it walked towards me
like "oh really, are you really called Edward?"
it walked with me
a comfortable silence
between us
all the way to prestestegen 17

it doesn't happen all the time
that someone walks with me
so it was great to have
"Edward" to walk with

still with you

held og lykke team DK!!!

denmark vs france
january 30, 2009, 17:30

Position: Målvogter

Fødselsdag: 6. februar 1976

Klub: FC Barcelona

Debut på A-landsholdet: 28. juni 1996

TV 2-ekspert Nikolaj Jacobsens vurdering:
Kasper er den vigtigste spiller på holdet. Skal Danmark have succes, kræver det, at Kasper er på toppen. Han skal med sin store rutine og sit brede kendskab til spillerne være rygraden på holdet. Kasper har specielt i de sidste slutrunder vist stor stabilitet - især fra fløj og streg har han vist skræmmende styrke.

GOOD LUCK, TEAM DK!

photos from tv2.dk

january 17, 2009

kalahating oras bago mag alas tres, nakipagsisiksikan na kami ni mabeth sa entrance ng oslo spektrum. hawak hawak ang aming tig 15 nok na pizza at ang inagaw lang naming disney scratch cards na para lang sana sa mga bata. hindi na magkarinigan ang mga pipol dahil sa umaapaw na sugar level ng mga bata at ng mga katulad naming mga batang isip. nag offer na nga lang kami ng a moment of silence habang inuubos ang pizza. at ng sa wakas ay bumukas na ang magical door, nataranta na ako sa sobrang excitement! sinalubong kami ng mga booths kung saan pwede kang bumili ng iba't-ibang disney souvenirs...sword ni mulan (at kulay yellow pa ha!), disney figures (na hindi ko carry ang presyo), t-shirts, mickey hats, lollipops, magic wand ni fairygodmother at kung anu-ano pang makatalinghagang bagay. nakidagdag din sa siksikan ang mga taga-tinda ng popcorn-in-a-bucket na inspired naman ni Alladin and Jasmine ang kanilang costume.

ng bumukas na ang 2nd magical door, dali dali na naming hinanap ang aming seats. kaiba ito, dahil nga late na kami nagpa book ng tickets, eh di 12 seats apart kami ni mabeth! isa kami sa mga hindi naman masyadong excited na nauna sa loob ng spektrum. kaya naman, may time pa kami para mag picture picture muna (kahit hindi allowed and camera! nakapuslit!), habang nagwi wish na sana eh, pwedeng pakiusapan ang mga rowmates namin na umusog usog na lang para naman magkatabi na kami ni mabeth.pero hindi eh! mukhang matapang kasi yung manong na may kasamang limang anak kaya napilitan na kaming maghiwalay na ng upuan ni mabetskie.

anyway, umpisahan na ang palabas. si tinkerbell ang unang lumabas sa ice rink. pa sway sway na siya habang nagpapasab-og (ay boba! hindi ko alam ang tagalog o english term ng word na yun!) ng kanyang glittery dust. at naloka si joanna marie! sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon ay bigla na lang tumulo ang aking luha at napahikbi ng konti ( kailangang i control ang emotion, kasi baka biglang tumawag ng red cross ang mamang matapang na katabi ko). imagine! si joanna marie aka amanda woods ay napaluha pagkakita kay tinkerbell na nagsi skate! nakakaloka! at hindi lang doon nag stop ang ka dramahan, sunod sunod na yun hanggang sa scene ni jasmine and alladin(sobrang na amuse ako kay genie of the lamp! ang galing nya! parang gusto kong tumakbo pababa sa ice rink at sumabit sa malalaking muscles nya!), snowhite and the evil stepmother (mas maganda talaga ata si stepmother kesa kay snowhite), mulan and her dragon (hindi ko ma remember ang name ng partner nya eh! ), aurora and her prince (natumba pa ang isang fairy), beauty and beast (naloka ako dito! syempre favorite ko si belle at beast) at ang pinakamakulay na little mermaid (na amaze ako sa mga fish costume nila! dagdagan pa ng nakikipaglaro na lights! buti di tumulo ang laway ko sa sobrang mangha).

nung lumabas ulit si tinkerbell, kasama na niya si mickey and minnie mouse. nakisali pa si pluto! at yun ay hudyat ng snack break, weewee break at kung ano pang break na maisip ng mga pipol doon. kami naman ni mabeth ay nagtagpo ulit. lumabas lang kami para makapag stretch naman. at ang feelingerang joanna marie, ay akalain mo ba namang pa glide glide na! feeling nagsi skate! sabay tawag kay beast, in a disney princess mode. at ito ay labis na ikinahiya ni mabeth kaya hinila na nya ako pabalik sa loob ng spektrum bago pa may dumating ulit na red cross, talian ako't itapon sa mental institution.

ayun. pagkatapos ng ilang sandali ay bumulangga na ang mga sundalo sa castle ni prince charming. kakaloka ulit umpisa sa pagma mop ni cinderella ng floor, hanggang sa pagbaba ni fairygodmother galing sa bubong, hanggang sa pag appear ni C sakay ng kanyang pumpkin coach. more pa ang interaction ng mga bruha nyang stepsisters with the audience, huh! at yun na nga, hanggang magtagpo sila ulit ni prince charming.

nakakaloka sa lahat eh nung magsilabasan na ang lahat ng princesses and princes in their wedding costumes. nalula ako! di ko tuloy alam kung kanino ako magfo focus! buti di ako nahilo sa kaka shift ng mata ko from one character to another. ang ganda ganda kasi ng mga kasuotan nila! syempre favorite ko ulit ang gown ni belle. yung gown nya nung nagsayaw sila ni beast sa song ni mrs. pots. maganda din ang chinese-inspired gown ni mulan. pramis! bongga din naman ang gown ni minnie mouse! ayaw patalo ng daga!

overwhelmed...overjoyed...over sa kaka emote ako nang mag show is over na. grabe! isa yong napakagandang alaala na babaunin ko paglabas ko sa real world. sa dalawang oras na yun ay natugunan na aking pagkasabik sa mga fairies at magic spells. kung pupwede nga lang na tumira sa fairylandia eh ako ang pinakaunang maglalakbay papunta don. kahit ba ako na ang tagasalo sa mop ni cinderella eh! basta dumating lang ang aking prince charming..........

stop!!!! tama na ang overactive imagination. itutulog ko na lang ito. mag a alas dose na....