....i have been in the dark and slumbering for quite sometime now. this song woke me up and stirred me within. i want to live my life and be passionate again! i love me! : )
Do you know what's worth fighting for
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
my dearest andrè,
it has been a while since i haven't heard from you. i know that you have been extremely busy these days, but i've been worried sick about you. it doesn't do me any good to go to sleep at night wondering how you are doing or waking up in the middle of the night wondering if you're okay...or crying because i miss you so much and i worry about you.
to be honest, i feel like a stalker now. remember that girl you told me about...the girl who used to leave messages on your messenger which says, "oh, you're staring at me again" or something like that? i feel like i've become that kind of girl, leaving messages on your phone. i am scared to leave another message on your mobile because i might be annoying you already. i'm pathetic, i know, but this is me and i can't do anything about it.
anyway, what i'm trying to say here is that...thank you, for coming into my life. for the very short time that i have known you, i have been completely, truly, deeply happy and in-love. i have become a different kind of person. and i liked that person whom i've become because of you. i was in total bliss, Andrè. you made me believe that i am still capable of loving another human being unconditionally. you gave me those wonderful mornings, when i woke up with your sweet messages. you made me laugh (oh, how i loved those times). you made me feel loved. loving you was as spontaneous as breathing in air. i was carefree and happy and in-love.
last night before i went to sleep, i read all your messages in my inbox. the messages still made me smile, but somehow it hurts me too. i may be naive in this thing called love, but i am not completely oblivious. somehow, things have been different these past days and i keep on asking myself if i've done something wrong or said something bad to you. i wish i could have been more sensitive in times when you needed someone to talk to and i wish i was there to hug you or hold your hand...i wish i was there all the time for you, with you.
but no matter what i say or do, will it make any difference now?
you told me once that, "time heals all wounds"...well, i am hurting now, and i know that this stage will pass, sooner or later. in time, my broken heart will be fixed and i will be okay again.
and when i look back to this day, i will still be thankful that i have known you, sweet Andrè. you are the most beautiful soul that i have ever met in my lifetime. i will treasure all the wonderful memories that i had with you forever. you will always have a special place in my heart, that's for sure ; ) and i will remember you everytime i see a butterfly or everytime i look up at the moon in the night sky or everytime i see a celery.
Andrè, have i done something really bad to deserve this cold and silent treatment from you?
Andrè, remember that woman you told me about? the woman who went to your place and after meeting her that day, you never heard from each other ever again? i don't want to be that woman, Andrè. please don't get me wrong...i am not demanding anything from you..well, okay, maybe one thing. just one thing. a simple text message "goodbye, joanna" will do. at least, in that way, i would know that the moon hasn't swallowed you up or you didn't get sick with another bee sting...at least i would know that you're okay and that you're still alive.
if i were to go back to pluto one of these days, that would be my last wish Andrè...or if i could whisper a wish to santa claus, my wish would be...that you would, at least say farewell to me...
you are an amazingly good person Andrè Rose and i wish you and Louie all the best in life...all the happiness and love : )
teddy bear hugs,
joanna marie
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
comfort
according to thesaurus, comfort is a noun which means, ease; good feeling; gratification; pleasure; satisfaction; solace;...and all those wonderful words that i wish i could eat up to make me feel relieved from my depression.
however, there are some tangible comforting stuffs that make me feel peaceful. like, hugging a pillow, hugging Scott and Felix, walking under the moonlight and starry-starry skies, watching grey's anatomy, reading "what i want my daughters to know", talking to the moon, munching a bar of chocolate, curling my precious hair, preparing Felix's favorite pasta sauce, cuddling Elvis, doing my nails and eating a pint of ice cream!
oh, the ice cream is the most gratifying of all! but wait, it is not very comforting to think of the calories that i just took in. what the heck! no calorie-counting today! i'll just consider the calories as system-invigorating and spirit-nourishing!
however, there are some tangible comforting stuffs that make me feel peaceful. like, hugging a pillow, hugging Scott and Felix, walking under the moonlight and starry-starry skies, watching grey's anatomy, reading "what i want my daughters to know", talking to the moon, munching a bar of chocolate, curling my precious hair, preparing Felix's favorite pasta sauce, cuddling Elvis, doing my nails and eating a pint of ice cream!
oh, the ice cream is the most gratifying of all! but wait, it is not very comforting to think of the calories that i just took in. what the heck! no calorie-counting today! i'll just consider the calories as system-invigorating and spirit-nourishing!
mr. moon and joanna marie
i have a very special relationship with mr. moon. i don't know when or how it started...(oh! i guess it all began when i met my personal story-teller). i am moon-lady or, more of a moon-girl. i always have been. but lately, mr. moon and i have been much closer. though he is a million light years away, he has been my constant companion and confidant. he guides me with his light as i take my long evening walks. he listens to all my ramblings without judgment. when i wake up in the middle of the night, his beaming light touches my cheeks, as if to say, "go back to sleep my dear joan. everything's gonna be alright. i'll be watching you in your sleep". and in the morning when i wake up, he is still up there in the purplish sky, giving me the brightest smile ever... i smile back : )
mr. moon, you know my heart's desires. thank you for being there for me constantly....
mr. moon, you know my heart's desires. thank you for being there for me constantly....
Monday, November 22, 2010
why did God create girlfriends?
i believe that when God created girlfriends, he was thinking of me. because i'm the kind of person who would prefer to suffer in silence, but in the end, would run to my girlfriends and cry my heart out.
a girlfriend like ate Hazel loves to pry. she would call exactly at the same time when i am bursting into tears. maybe in one way or another, she felt my pain. she's the kind of girlfriend who would say, "stop it! stop crying! if i were there by your side i would bang your head on the wall! reality check!" yes, she can be harsh at times. but there are also times when she would silently say, "okay girl, just cry. cry it all out. you'd feel better afterwards. and make yourself a cup of tea. it helps."
a girlfriend like aby would say, "i can't believe that you could be so stupid to trust men. and cry over a guy? hello?! are you that stupid, joanna marie?" and when i can't control my sobs and tears, she would just be quiet, for a while, and say, "here, have some chocolates. eat the entire pack! eat!" aby is the kind who would give me a big-lifting hug when i am so down in the dumps.
a girlfriend like jillian would say, "that's karma. you're being punished for something..." most of the time, jillian is so convincing that i almost believe her that i am a bad person, until i talk to aby and she would say otherwise.
a girlfriend like sharon would say, "move on, girl. if a person doesn't like you, then you're not supposed to like them too. collect yourself and get up from the floor! now na!"
now i see, i have the bravest girlfriends in the world. they're the toughest kind. sometimes i wish they could be more soothing and kind in giving me their words of wisdom. but no! okay, i admit, the threats and harsh words are more effective. like, i need them to slap me or shake me or throw me into the wall or push me to the cliff, for me to wake up from my pathetic drama and denials.
whatever else were God's reasons for creating girlfriends, i gratefully thank Him for creating the strongest pack of girlfriends for me. He surely knows that i am the weakest kind...
...just a thought, if Felix were a girl, he would be the harshest girlfriend ever! ; )
a girlfriend like ate Hazel loves to pry. she would call exactly at the same time when i am bursting into tears. maybe in one way or another, she felt my pain. she's the kind of girlfriend who would say, "stop it! stop crying! if i were there by your side i would bang your head on the wall! reality check!" yes, she can be harsh at times. but there are also times when she would silently say, "okay girl, just cry. cry it all out. you'd feel better afterwards. and make yourself a cup of tea. it helps."
a girlfriend like aby would say, "i can't believe that you could be so stupid to trust men. and cry over a guy? hello?! are you that stupid, joanna marie?" and when i can't control my sobs and tears, she would just be quiet, for a while, and say, "here, have some chocolates. eat the entire pack! eat!" aby is the kind who would give me a big-lifting hug when i am so down in the dumps.
a girlfriend like jillian would say, "that's karma. you're being punished for something..." most of the time, jillian is so convincing that i almost believe her that i am a bad person, until i talk to aby and she would say otherwise.
a girlfriend like sharon would say, "move on, girl. if a person doesn't like you, then you're not supposed to like them too. collect yourself and get up from the floor! now na!"
now i see, i have the bravest girlfriends in the world. they're the toughest kind. sometimes i wish they could be more soothing and kind in giving me their words of wisdom. but no! okay, i admit, the threats and harsh words are more effective. like, i need them to slap me or shake me or throw me into the wall or push me to the cliff, for me to wake up from my pathetic drama and denials.
whatever else were God's reasons for creating girlfriends, i gratefully thank Him for creating the strongest pack of girlfriends for me. He surely knows that i am the weakest kind...
...just a thought, if Felix were a girl, he would be the harshest girlfriend ever! ; )
Saturday, November 20, 2010
something...wrong
with all the things that are happening to me these days, i can't help but ask if i've done a terrible thing to somebody, or anybody, for me to deserve the heartache that i've been going through. i believe in karma, yes. that why, i need to review my life, if somewhere along the way, i have hurt anyone, whether intentionally or not. somehow, there's nothing in my memory track that reminds me of being super rude to anybody. if i have done a bad thing to a person or to a lot of people, then, i am very very sorry for it.
murphy's law states that, "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong". this law applies to my life now. everything just seems to fall apart. i can hardly keep myself together will all the pain, trouble, headaches and ephemeral happiness that i am experiencing. i know that all of these will pass, in time, but the things that are happening to me now are excruciatingly overwhelming.
i just have to be alone and come to terms with my unbearable situation.
murphy's law states that, "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong". this law applies to my life now. everything just seems to fall apart. i can hardly keep myself together will all the pain, trouble, headaches and ephemeral happiness that i am experiencing. i know that all of these will pass, in time, but the things that are happening to me now are excruciatingly overwhelming.
i just have to be alone and come to terms with my unbearable situation.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
dear kuya oscar
i miss you, so much....
kuya, kjersti's been observing me these past days. i didn't know. she just asked me today if everything's okay with me. she noticed something different in me and she's quite sure that i'm not okay. i just shrugged my shoulders and told her that i'm fine. but she's not convinced. she told me that if something's bothering me, i can always talk to her about it...and if i don't feel like talking about it with her, i should talk to my friends because it eases up things when you talk to someone. she noticed that i seem to just curl up into my shell when something's bad is going on.
i've never been the same without you, kuya. you were the only one whom i can really talk to. you know that.
i love you and i miss you
i am sending my power hugs to heaven to you and to all your friends : )
kuya, kjersti's been observing me these past days. i didn't know. she just asked me today if everything's okay with me. she noticed something different in me and she's quite sure that i'm not okay. i just shrugged my shoulders and told her that i'm fine. but she's not convinced. she told me that if something's bothering me, i can always talk to her about it...and if i don't feel like talking about it with her, i should talk to my friends because it eases up things when you talk to someone. she noticed that i seem to just curl up into my shell when something's bad is going on.
i've never been the same without you, kuya. you were the only one whom i can really talk to. you know that.
i love you and i miss you
i am sending my power hugs to heaven to you and to all your friends : )
Sunday, November 14, 2010
tolerating the intolerable
since i've been experiencing intolerable feelings lately, i decided to face another intolerable emotion. fear. with the capital F! from 10:00 last night to 01:00 of early morning today, i watched a horror/thriller movie. "one missed call". of course, i've seen at least only half of the movie since i've been covering my eyes almost the entire time. not to mention the hair-raising shrieks. huff!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
the end na ba?
naman, oo! ilang gabi na akong hindi nakakatulog ng maayos sa kakaisip kung the end na nga ba talaga?
masyado ba akong manhid? or ignorante sa mga bagay bagay? or talagang denial queen lang talaga palagi ang drama ko?
sabi nila, kung gusto ka ng isang tao, gagawa at gagawa sya ng paraan para makausap ka o makita ka. oo nga naman. nangyari naman yun noon. nakita at naramdaman ko naman ang effort. pero ngayon, parang kahit anong effort pa ang gawin ko, parang wala na talaga eh.
wow! ang sakit naman non! ang sakit talaga! at sino ba naman ako para ma spare sa sakit na end result ng pagmamahal? akala ko lang special ako na hindi ko na mararamdaman yung rejection and yung kirot na kaakibat ng super sarap ng feeling ng pagiging in-love.
sabi nila, minsan kailangan mo talagang masaktan, para mas magiging strong ka sa pagharap sa buhay.
naman! kailangan ba talaga yun? kailangan ko ba talagang pagdaanan to? kailangan ko ba talagang umiyak gabi gabi dahil yung taong mahal ko eh hindi na ako mahal? bakit? bakit kailangang masaktan ako ng ganito? Ang sakit sakit kaya! yung tipong, ayaw ko ng magising. yung parang gusto ko na lang matulog at magising isang araw na wala na yung sakit. kung kaya lang sanang makuha yung pain na to sa pag-inom ng paracet, eh di, tinungga ko na sana ang paracet with banana flavor na nakita ko dito sa cabinet ko.
sabi nila, balang araw, eh mas pagsisisihan mo yung mga bagay na hindi mo ginawa kesa don sa mga bagay na ginawa mo.
tama! hindi ko pinagsisisihan na minahal ko siya. kaya ko nga syang mahalin forever eh. kasi, naramdaman ko na siya na. na siya na ang aking "the one", my everything, my happily ever after. pero as usual, feelingera lang pala ako. kasi the feeling is not mutual. ako lang pala yung nagmamahal. dedma lang pala sya. ayan na naman! ang sakit na naman!
saan ako makakabili ng gamot para maalis na 'tong sakit na nararamdaman ko? saan? please ayoko ng masaktan. hindi ko na kaya.....ang sakit sakit...
ay, naalala ko na sinabi niya sa akin one time yung clichè na: time heals all wounds. ang saklap! wow!
masyado ba akong manhid? or ignorante sa mga bagay bagay? or talagang denial queen lang talaga palagi ang drama ko?
sabi nila, kung gusto ka ng isang tao, gagawa at gagawa sya ng paraan para makausap ka o makita ka. oo nga naman. nangyari naman yun noon. nakita at naramdaman ko naman ang effort. pero ngayon, parang kahit anong effort pa ang gawin ko, parang wala na talaga eh.
wow! ang sakit naman non! ang sakit talaga! at sino ba naman ako para ma spare sa sakit na end result ng pagmamahal? akala ko lang special ako na hindi ko na mararamdaman yung rejection and yung kirot na kaakibat ng super sarap ng feeling ng pagiging in-love.
sabi nila, minsan kailangan mo talagang masaktan, para mas magiging strong ka sa pagharap sa buhay.
naman! kailangan ba talaga yun? kailangan ko ba talagang pagdaanan to? kailangan ko ba talagang umiyak gabi gabi dahil yung taong mahal ko eh hindi na ako mahal? bakit? bakit kailangang masaktan ako ng ganito? Ang sakit sakit kaya! yung tipong, ayaw ko ng magising. yung parang gusto ko na lang matulog at magising isang araw na wala na yung sakit. kung kaya lang sanang makuha yung pain na to sa pag-inom ng paracet, eh di, tinungga ko na sana ang paracet with banana flavor na nakita ko dito sa cabinet ko.
sabi nila, balang araw, eh mas pagsisisihan mo yung mga bagay na hindi mo ginawa kesa don sa mga bagay na ginawa mo.
tama! hindi ko pinagsisisihan na minahal ko siya. kaya ko nga syang mahalin forever eh. kasi, naramdaman ko na siya na. na siya na ang aking "the one", my everything, my happily ever after. pero as usual, feelingera lang pala ako. kasi the feeling is not mutual. ako lang pala yung nagmamahal. dedma lang pala sya. ayan na naman! ang sakit na naman!
saan ako makakabili ng gamot para maalis na 'tong sakit na nararamdaman ko? saan? please ayoko ng masaktan. hindi ko na kaya.....ang sakit sakit...
ay, naalala ko na sinabi niya sa akin one time yung clichè na: time heals all wounds. ang saklap! wow!
Friday, November 12, 2010
no chocolates allowed?!
not for me...not for me...
after his dental check-up with frank-jakob sandbakk today, Felix is no longer allowed to have chocolates. that's indefinitely.
he's not very fond of chocolates anyway. when he eats ice cream in cone, he throws the choco bits away. but he fondly eats a bar of snickers, because it's my favorite and it has become his favorite choco bar too : )
while we were strolling along the streets of Stryn after i picked him up from school this afternoon, i suddenly craved for a bar of chocolate. i wanted it so badly, that the thought of not having it made me feel like throwing up. so, i went to the store and bought a bar of mars. i offered half of it to Felix, forgetting that he is officially banned from having sweets. he reminded me that he's not allowed to have chocolates but he wants to, but he knows that he's not supposed to. then he asked me if he can have just a bite. it was my turn to remind him of the dentist's warning. i saw him purse his lips and when he does that, i can feel my heart vessels constrict with pity. and the devil in me said to him, okay, you can have a bite, but please don't tell your mom and i won't tell, too (with a devilish wink!) but then, he thought it over, and said, no, i won't have a bite even if i want to.
how's that?! i was moved by the child's strong determination to fight the temptation that the devilish joanna marie offered to him. very very impressive!
he should be my role model in self-conviction...
after his dental check-up with frank-jakob sandbakk today, Felix is no longer allowed to have chocolates. that's indefinitely.
he's not very fond of chocolates anyway. when he eats ice cream in cone, he throws the choco bits away. but he fondly eats a bar of snickers, because it's my favorite and it has become his favorite choco bar too : )
while we were strolling along the streets of Stryn after i picked him up from school this afternoon, i suddenly craved for a bar of chocolate. i wanted it so badly, that the thought of not having it made me feel like throwing up. so, i went to the store and bought a bar of mars. i offered half of it to Felix, forgetting that he is officially banned from having sweets. he reminded me that he's not allowed to have chocolates but he wants to, but he knows that he's not supposed to. then he asked me if he can have just a bite. it was my turn to remind him of the dentist's warning. i saw him purse his lips and when he does that, i can feel my heart vessels constrict with pity. and the devil in me said to him, okay, you can have a bite, but please don't tell your mom and i won't tell, too (with a devilish wink!) but then, he thought it over, and said, no, i won't have a bite even if i want to.
how's that?! i was moved by the child's strong determination to fight the temptation that the devilish joanna marie offered to him. very very impressive!
he should be my role model in self-conviction...
Thursday, November 11, 2010
så sånt....
Stig, a friend of mine, said:
Kjærlighet forsvinner og kjærlighet består. Noen er ekte og andre forgår. Noen gir glede og andre gir tårer, men faren er alltid at kjærlighet sårer. Men vennskap som dyrkes, og tillit som vernes, det er en støtte som aldri kan fjernes. Ta godt vare på dem som gir deg trygghet og glede, så har du venner som for alltid er tilstede!
Kjærlighet forsvinner og kjærlighet består. Noen er ekte og andre forgår. Noen gir glede og andre gir tårer, men faren er alltid at kjærlighet sårer. Men vennskap som dyrkes, og tillit som vernes, det er en støtte som aldri kan fjernes. Ta godt vare på dem som gir deg trygghet og glede, så har du venner som for alltid er tilstede!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
happy 2
a couple of years ago, exactly on this day, i set foot on the beautiful soil of Stryn.
i remember how amazed i was when Finn-Einar toured me around the centrum in the dark November evening. in less than three minutes, he already showed me the entire centrum (by car of course ; )). while fighting my jet-lagged head, i helped him prepare pasta for dinner. then while he was cooking, Kjersti, Felix and Oscar came home. Felix gave me a bouquet of flowers and the first thing that he said to me was "jeg er glà i deg". i had to ask Kjersti what Felix meant because i didn't understand it. and, oh! my heart quickly melted for the little guy! and on my first night here, i read for him a Norwegian bedtime story....på Dansk : )
two years have passed. a lot of wonderful things have happened. for example, i learned how to cook (boooo!!!); read på Norsk; met new people; found new friends; climbed Skåla and Slogen; fell in love with Oscar, the forest, mother nature and wild strawberries; tried to ski (boooo!!!); loved wine and alcohol all the more; finally had what they call a "nightlife"; and enjoyed every bit of family time that i had with the Kvamme's.
i never thought that i'd still be here on this day. but, well, here i am! i enjoyed the sunny cold day on the 10th of November. i snoozed my alarm 3 times before i got out of bed this morning, took Scott out for his morning ritual, had a hearty breakfast with Felix, read a few pages of "the memory keeper's daughter", strolled along the streets of Stryn for 2 hours with Felix, brought my power cable to the guy who's fixing my laptop, cuddled with Elvis and Scott, made chicken casserole for dinner, danced with lady gaga and....the day isn't over yet ; )
i love this family. i love this place. and on my 2nd year here, i'm as happy as i can be!
i remember how amazed i was when Finn-Einar toured me around the centrum in the dark November evening. in less than three minutes, he already showed me the entire centrum (by car of course ; )). while fighting my jet-lagged head, i helped him prepare pasta for dinner. then while he was cooking, Kjersti, Felix and Oscar came home. Felix gave me a bouquet of flowers and the first thing that he said to me was "jeg er glà i deg". i had to ask Kjersti what Felix meant because i didn't understand it. and, oh! my heart quickly melted for the little guy! and on my first night here, i read for him a Norwegian bedtime story....på Dansk : )
two years have passed. a lot of wonderful things have happened. for example, i learned how to cook (boooo!!!); read på Norsk; met new people; found new friends; climbed Skåla and Slogen; fell in love with Oscar, the forest, mother nature and wild strawberries; tried to ski (boooo!!!); loved wine and alcohol all the more; finally had what they call a "nightlife"; and enjoyed every bit of family time that i had with the Kvamme's.
i never thought that i'd still be here on this day. but, well, here i am! i enjoyed the sunny cold day on the 10th of November. i snoozed my alarm 3 times before i got out of bed this morning, took Scott out for his morning ritual, had a hearty breakfast with Felix, read a few pages of "the memory keeper's daughter", strolled along the streets of Stryn for 2 hours with Felix, brought my power cable to the guy who's fixing my laptop, cuddled with Elvis and Scott, made chicken casserole for dinner, danced with lady gaga and....the day isn't over yet ; )
i love this family. i love this place. and on my 2nd year here, i'm as happy as i can be!
toink!
when a realization hits you, it hits you real hard! like a stab on the already wounded skin...like a slap on the face...like a head banged on the wall...like falling on the pavement...like drowning in the sea...like shouting and no one hears you...
yes...reality just hit me now...and the pain is excruciating...
yes...reality just hit me now...and the pain is excruciating...
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
my first (and maybe last) snowfall
i felt heavy-hearted as i put on my jacket and went out for a walk in the forest. my mind is filled with so many thoughts lately...so a long walk in my comfort trail is just what i needed.
as i sat on "my throne" facing the fjord, the snow started to fall! oh, happiness! i feel happy everytime it snows...and the first snowfall is more special for me : ) i stayed seated on "my throne" until i couldn't contain my happiness anymore. i started to walk further...to the first book...to my favorite place in the forest...to the second book...down to the centrum...and back to prestestegen 17. normally, it takes me an hour max to walk the 6km around the forest. but today, it took me two hours. it was a bit childish, but i was trying to catch the snow with my mouth as i was walking, and danced around if i catch one.
...and i've never felt close to nature as much as i felt today. it was a wonderful feeling to just take the slowest pace possible, and listen to the chirping birds, the blurbing sound of the water and the wind and feel the snow on my face. even the silence was a wonderful thing!
i started off with a heavy-heart and came back home with a clear head, happy heart and a smiling face.
as i sat on "my throne" facing the fjord, the snow started to fall! oh, happiness! i feel happy everytime it snows...and the first snowfall is more special for me : ) i stayed seated on "my throne" until i couldn't contain my happiness anymore. i started to walk further...to the first book...to my favorite place in the forest...to the second book...down to the centrum...and back to prestestegen 17. normally, it takes me an hour max to walk the 6km around the forest. but today, it took me two hours. it was a bit childish, but i was trying to catch the snow with my mouth as i was walking, and danced around if i catch one.
...and i've never felt close to nature as much as i felt today. it was a wonderful feeling to just take the slowest pace possible, and listen to the chirping birds, the blurbing sound of the water and the wind and feel the snow on my face. even the silence was a wonderful thing!
i started off with a heavy-heart and came back home with a clear head, happy heart and a smiling face.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
eat pray love
how does tea taste like when your tears keep pouring down your cup? it's sweeter : )
early this morning, i cleared my tear ducts as i surrendered to the drama of the movie....
...eat pray love is a story about a successful young woman, Liz Gilbert who woke up one morning and felt that she has lost the relevance of life. she divorced her husband, left her family and friends, gave up her job, said goodbye to all the comforts that she's been used to and set out to Italy, India and Bali to find the balance of life...to find herself again.
in rome, italy, she found her lost appetite for food. she indulged herself into all kinds of pasta and naples' pizza. she found friends, who taught her the value and love of family (her landlady even told her that, everything in this life is temporary, except your family))...she felt that it was a wonderful experience for her to witness how men take care of their wives and children and how happy they all seem to be. and as she learned to speak italian, she also learned that hand gestures are very important for italians in expressing how they feel. after four months in rome, she moved on...
in india, she learned how to meditate, to connect with herself, to acknowledge her feelings and drop it, to empty her mind and let things be, to surrender and most important of all, to forgive herself. but all these didn't come easily. she had to struggle with herself to achieve all those. and yes, it took another four months for her to finally realize that God dwells within her.
in bali, indonesia, she came back to Ketut, a wise man who taught her to look through her heart and not her eyes, to smile not only in her lips, but in her mind, in her heart and even in her liver as well. it was in bali where she found love. where she found felipe, who, just like her, a divorcee. they both experienced the pain that love brings. they were both broken and they were both afraid to love again. felipe felt ready to love and be broken again but liz was resisting because she felt that she had to keep the balance that she had gained in her journey. until ketut told her that, sometimes, loosing our balance for love, is a part of a balanced life, did she finally gave in, to love...and in bali, she did not only found love, she also found herself again and her word...attraversiamo, which means, let's cross over
i felt intertwined with liz and all the friends that she found along the way of her quest. it takes a lot of courage to go on a journey like elizabeth gilbert did. especially that, it's a kind of journey that in the end, entails, whether you will find yourself or you will totally lost everything that you are.
this is the most wonderful lesson that i've learned from the movie...the rule of quest physics: if you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything, from your house, to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally; and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone that you meet along the way as a teacher; and if you were prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself and the truth will not be withheld from you.
so today, i will smile with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my liver.....
*EAT PRAY LOVE is based on the novel of the same title by Elizabeth Gilbert*
early this morning, i cleared my tear ducts as i surrendered to the drama of the movie....
...eat pray love is a story about a successful young woman, Liz Gilbert who woke up one morning and felt that she has lost the relevance of life. she divorced her husband, left her family and friends, gave up her job, said goodbye to all the comforts that she's been used to and set out to Italy, India and Bali to find the balance of life...to find herself again.
in rome, italy, she found her lost appetite for food. she indulged herself into all kinds of pasta and naples' pizza. she found friends, who taught her the value and love of family (her landlady even told her that, everything in this life is temporary, except your family))...she felt that it was a wonderful experience for her to witness how men take care of their wives and children and how happy they all seem to be. and as she learned to speak italian, she also learned that hand gestures are very important for italians in expressing how they feel. after four months in rome, she moved on...
in india, she learned how to meditate, to connect with herself, to acknowledge her feelings and drop it, to empty her mind and let things be, to surrender and most important of all, to forgive herself. but all these didn't come easily. she had to struggle with herself to achieve all those. and yes, it took another four months for her to finally realize that God dwells within her.
in bali, indonesia, she came back to Ketut, a wise man who taught her to look through her heart and not her eyes, to smile not only in her lips, but in her mind, in her heart and even in her liver as well. it was in bali where she found love. where she found felipe, who, just like her, a divorcee. they both experienced the pain that love brings. they were both broken and they were both afraid to love again. felipe felt ready to love and be broken again but liz was resisting because she felt that she had to keep the balance that she had gained in her journey. until ketut told her that, sometimes, loosing our balance for love, is a part of a balanced life, did she finally gave in, to love...and in bali, she did not only found love, she also found herself again and her word...attraversiamo, which means, let's cross over
i felt intertwined with liz and all the friends that she found along the way of her quest. it takes a lot of courage to go on a journey like elizabeth gilbert did. especially that, it's a kind of journey that in the end, entails, whether you will find yourself or you will totally lost everything that you are.
this is the most wonderful lesson that i've learned from the movie...the rule of quest physics: if you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything, from your house, to bitter old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally; and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone that you meet along the way as a teacher; and if you were prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself and the truth will not be withheld from you.
so today, i will smile with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my liver.....
*EAT PRAY LOVE is based on the novel of the same title by Elizabeth Gilbert*
Friday, November 5, 2010
ideal girl ni papa piolo
sabi ni papa piolo sa movie nila ni juday na "don't give up on us, baby"....
...at tsaka isa pa, ang hanap ko sa isang babae yung simpleng buhay lang ang gusto...yung nag-e-enjoy sa buhay na walang plano...yung masaya sya...yung talagang mahal nya ako. at tsaka okay lang sa kanya kahit nasaan kami....
papa piolo!!! ako pala ang ideal girl mo! grabe! hindi ko na carry ito! ako yun eh! yung nidi-describe mo sa movie mo! ako yun! simpleng buhay lang ang gusto ko...at buhay na buhay ako kahit walang plano, dahil yun ang buhay ko...at masayahin naman ako! grabe! ako talaga yan! hmmm!
...at tsaka isa pa, ang hanap ko sa isang babae yung simpleng buhay lang ang gusto...yung nag-e-enjoy sa buhay na walang plano...yung masaya sya...yung talagang mahal nya ako. at tsaka okay lang sa kanya kahit nasaan kami....
papa piolo!!! ako pala ang ideal girl mo! grabe! hindi ko na carry ito! ako yun eh! yung nidi-describe mo sa movie mo! ako yun! simpleng buhay lang ang gusto ko...at buhay na buhay ako kahit walang plano, dahil yun ang buhay ko...at masayahin naman ako! grabe! ako talaga yan! hmmm!
it's friday...and i'm alive!
i'm in a death row...or at least that's how i feel now and for these past days.
so, this is how it feels like when you're dying...i see things that i've taken for granted before. things seem a little bit clearer. like the color of the leaves, they just seem different to me. i've even noticed a hole on the big rock just right down the street. the air smells and feels different. i just want to close my eyes and feel the breeze as it kisses my face. the cold gentle wind embraces me every morning. i don't mind when it blows my newly ironed hair. the earth, with all the fallen autumn leaves feels so soft and vulnerable against my harsh feet. the rain feels more refreshing. the peeping sun amidst the cloudy skies makes me smile. oh, everything makes me smile! the chirping birds on the trees, Felix, the snow-capped mountains, the neighbor's cat, the coffee granules melting on steamed milk, Kjerti's hanging plants...everything!
on the way to Felix's school this morning, the old lady who lives along the highway was sleepily looking outside from her kitchen. she smiled and waved to me and Felix when she saw us walking by, and i smiled and waved back to her. this is one of the simple things that make me feel good and connected. i smile for all these simple reasons.
and i smile because it's friday!
so, this is how it feels like when you're dying...i see things that i've taken for granted before. things seem a little bit clearer. like the color of the leaves, they just seem different to me. i've even noticed a hole on the big rock just right down the street. the air smells and feels different. i just want to close my eyes and feel the breeze as it kisses my face. the cold gentle wind embraces me every morning. i don't mind when it blows my newly ironed hair. the earth, with all the fallen autumn leaves feels so soft and vulnerable against my harsh feet. the rain feels more refreshing. the peeping sun amidst the cloudy skies makes me smile. oh, everything makes me smile! the chirping birds on the trees, Felix, the snow-capped mountains, the neighbor's cat, the coffee granules melting on steamed milk, Kjerti's hanging plants...everything!
on the way to Felix's school this morning, the old lady who lives along the highway was sleepily looking outside from her kitchen. she smiled and waved to me and Felix when she saw us walking by, and i smiled and waved back to her. this is one of the simple things that make me feel good and connected. i smile for all these simple reasons.
and i smile because it's friday!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
bathroom exclusive
i'm a bathroom person. after taking a long bath, i love to linger a little longer in the bathroom and clean my nails or stare at the mirror and curse my pimples or dance and sing.
now, i have one more reason to stay in my bathroom. i only get an internet connection in here! so, here i am, locked inside my tiny bathroom with my laptop. and i'm loving it! i'm loving it as much as i'm loving and dancing to lady gaga's "just dance".
soon, i might be having a cup of tea in here. or....sleep on the bathroom floor. hmmmm...tempting!
now, i have one more reason to stay in my bathroom. i only get an internet connection in here! so, here i am, locked inside my tiny bathroom with my laptop. and i'm loving it! i'm loving it as much as i'm loving and dancing to lady gaga's "just dance".
soon, i might be having a cup of tea in here. or....sleep on the bathroom floor. hmmmm...tempting!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
brad's indie film
the author of "moonriver, butterflies and me", my first stage-acting director, my philosophy professor in college, my color yellow, peter solis nery, sent me an email today! i can't believe my eyes when i checked my inbox! i haven't heard from brad since he flew to the US. so, it was a real shocker when i got that email from him.
...and he forwarded a link to his indie film. well, what can i say? he's a pure talent! just superb!
when i remember peter solis nery, i feel like that college sophomore joanna marie bediones who got shocked when her philosophy professor asked her "would you make love to tom cruise?"
i hope he'll make more indie films. and i hope i can be in one of them. hehehe!
...and he forwarded a link to his indie film. well, what can i say? he's a pure talent! just superb!
when i remember peter solis nery, i feel like that college sophomore joanna marie bediones who got shocked when her philosophy professor asked her "would you make love to tom cruise?"
i hope he'll make more indie films. and i hope i can be in one of them. hehehe!
meet Scott, kuya Oscar
hey Kuya O! howdy? i miss you!
so now, you officially met Scott. he's as sweet as you are, Kuya. though i don't see him that much because Kjersti brings him to the office everyday to get him used to the car, you know. hehehe. remember how crazy you get when we're driving? well, Kjersti doesn't want that to happen with Scott. so every morning, we wave him goodbye as Kjersti locks him in his cage and drives off to Olden. and when they come home, he would run to Felix and me like crazy and usually tags on my leg. and like you, he would sit on my lap and would stare at the pages of the book that i'm reading. i love his fluffy fur and huge ears. he's a little active when he's out in the garden too. you know, running around. and kuya O, he barks! hahaha! i love his teenee weenee bark! i wonder if he could scare Elvis with that kind of bark but, we'll see.
i miss you, my dear kuya Oscar. i love you so so much! like, so so much!
stubborn me!
everytime we disagree about something, my mother used to tell me that my stubbornness is my strongest character....and it is also my worst. the last time i heard her say that was like, 10 years ago. when i started to set out on my own, she just stopped picking on me. but lately, my mother's statement is like a broken record that keeps on playing in my head.
if i set my mind into something, i do it, no matter what the consequences are. i'm spontaneous and outrageous, yes. and if i don't want something, i am one of a bull-headed girl. that gets to my mother's nerves. oh, how she hated me for being like that!
now, i am being stubborn again. this time, it's not my mother who scolds me. it's HG! she thinks i'm being unreasonable and impractical...for stubbornly declining an indecent proposal. i mean, hello!?!?! i may be a crazy fanatic for wanting to stay in this country rather than going back to where i came from, but there must be some other way that i can stay here than changing a fake "i do" and "happily ever after" with a stranger. i am not negotiable. i am not for sale. i am joanna marie bediones and i am stubborn! talk to my hand!
and besides, my heart is stubbornly in-love right now. my heart has, pretty much, a mind of its own and i can't meddle with it. HG calls it stupidity. i call it love. HG calls me, unrealistic. i call me, idealistic.
in this scary and unpredictable world, my dreams and idealisms are my backbone.
i go where my heart and mind leads me. the end-result of my decisions may not be as promising as everyone expects it to be, but i will do what i feel is right for me. i'm not here to please other people. i am here to live my life the way i want it to be. i am here in this planet to love whomever my heart chooses to love.
my mother calls me stubborn...and now and only now, i completely agree with her.
p.s. HG, please understand that i love Andrè, because i choose to love him...i may be hurt in the process, but pain is the backside of loving a person. i am prepared for that. what i am not prepared to is, being miserable with someone i don't love for the rest of my life. i am stubborn and i thank God for that.
i love you, HG.
if i set my mind into something, i do it, no matter what the consequences are. i'm spontaneous and outrageous, yes. and if i don't want something, i am one of a bull-headed girl. that gets to my mother's nerves. oh, how she hated me for being like that!
now, i am being stubborn again. this time, it's not my mother who scolds me. it's HG! she thinks i'm being unreasonable and impractical...for stubbornly declining an indecent proposal. i mean, hello!?!?! i may be a crazy fanatic for wanting to stay in this country rather than going back to where i came from, but there must be some other way that i can stay here than changing a fake "i do" and "happily ever after" with a stranger. i am not negotiable. i am not for sale. i am joanna marie bediones and i am stubborn! talk to my hand!
and besides, my heart is stubbornly in-love right now. my heart has, pretty much, a mind of its own and i can't meddle with it. HG calls it stupidity. i call it love. HG calls me, unrealistic. i call me, idealistic.
in this scary and unpredictable world, my dreams and idealisms are my backbone.
i go where my heart and mind leads me. the end-result of my decisions may not be as promising as everyone expects it to be, but i will do what i feel is right for me. i'm not here to please other people. i am here to live my life the way i want it to be. i am here in this planet to love whomever my heart chooses to love.
my mother calls me stubborn...and now and only now, i completely agree with her.
p.s. HG, please understand that i love Andrè, because i choose to love him...i may be hurt in the process, but pain is the backside of loving a person. i am prepared for that. what i am not prepared to is, being miserable with someone i don't love for the rest of my life. i am stubborn and i thank God for that.
i love you, HG.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
i'm a little relieved...but...
today i submitted my application to the police. as they were checking my papers one by one, i got the urge to run away. i'm really afraid of rejection and i'm very vulnerable right now. if the police didn't accept my papers earlier, i could have shed a fountain of tears in front of the woman who was handling my documents. that would have been a real shame.
okay. so officially, i'm allowed to stay here in Norway as i wait for the approval of my application. but if the UDI will kick me out anytime, then i just have to be prepared.
a friend of mine told me that UDI is a hopeless agency...but i need to hope...and i am hoping because i want to stay here...i don't want to go back...i just want to be here...
okay. so officially, i'm allowed to stay here in Norway as i wait for the approval of my application. but if the UDI will kick me out anytime, then i just have to be prepared.
a friend of mine told me that UDI is a hopeless agency...but i need to hope...and i am hoping because i want to stay here...i don't want to go back...i just want to be here...
Monday, November 1, 2010
a funny thing happened on my way to the moon
last night, i dreamt that i was getting married. i entered a big church wearing a red dress. i looked good on it, actually. hehehe. anyways, instead of walking down the aisle, i walked through the side pews to the altar. and there at the altar, the royalties were waiting for me. i clearly remember princess Victoria and Madeleine being there. at that moment, i realized that i didn't know whom i was getting married with. and in my dream, i figured out that...since the princesses of Sweden were there, i might be marrying the prince! (thunder and lightning!) then, somebody came to me and told me that i had to change my dress. the princesses both agreed to that. so i changed. i was a little bit disappointed to change into a very traditional wedding gown instead of my hot red dress. hmp! but well...i obliged nicely to their demands. after i was wrapped in that white fluffy gown, they told me to go to the back door of the church. again! because then, i'd have to walk down the aisle. naks! when i got out in the open, it was only then that i realized that i really had to hurry because my wedding will start soon and i'm not even at the back door. and the church! the church was huge. it was like the whole street from Prestestegen 17 to the centrum of Stryn. i panicked! i ran to the street and tried to stop some cars to give me a ride but nobody even cared. i bet if i had my hot red dress on i might have gotten a ride. and a fast one! anyways, so there i was, in the middle of the street, running to the back of the church. i tripped off and fell (oh, how embarrassing! even in my dreams, i still have bloopers!). i remember standing up and dusting my big fluffy wedding gown. then, the scene changed into a place full of metallic stuffs. and i was sitting right there, waiting...then a guy came and sat beside me and i asked him "do you know when is the next flight to the moon?". oooppss! that was quite strange. anyways, i was already on the vehicle going to the moon when i remembered that i was supposed to get married. i panicked again and asked the pilot to stop. when he did, i almost jumped off the vehicle and ran back to the church.
huff! what a dream, huh! i woke up and felt very very tired. with all that running and panicking...not to mention the tripping and falling. hopefully, that won't happen in my real wedding day...especially the part where i had to wear a big fluffy wedding gown ; )
huff! what a dream, huh! i woke up and felt very very tired. with all that running and panicking...not to mention the tripping and falling. hopefully, that won't happen in my real wedding day...especially the part where i had to wear a big fluffy wedding gown ; )
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