Thursday, September 30, 2010
A
he is the man with a big heart. the man who doesn't like margarita...the man who sleeps peacefully like a baby. the man who holds and kisses my hand in the morning when he wakes up. the man who's scared of horses...who likes to hunt and fish...who can do the cartwheel...who makes instant cappuccino in a paper cup...the man who eased my pain when kuya oscar was put to sleep...who welcomed me with a big smile at the airport...
you are....
...the air that i breath. without you, i choke...i painfully grasp for you. i panic because you are not here. i need air to breathe...to live...and you are my air...so how can i live without you?
...the rainbow that gives color to my world
...the rainbow that gives color to my world
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
distraction
my mind has been pre-occupied by my "personal story-teller" whom i miss so much and is in a far far away land now. i have been annoying Felix with my whimpering and whinning these past days so i decided to distract myself.
what i did to divert my attention:
1. i spent the weekend in Paris with ate Hazel.
there was nothing so magical than to be in Disneyland. to be close to
the princesses and princes, magical and enchanting castles, scary rides,
universal studios, happy souls of kids, teenagers and adults, cute
store supervisors in the souvenir shop (; )), cold and rainy weather,
having a rainjacket, train ride, getting a big hug from Minnie Mouse,
seeing the dream parade under the heavy rain, bumping into a dancing
daddy while pushing his kid's stroller, having a stranger join in
in our pictorials, meeting someone from capiz, falling in a long line to
get into the rides, and just be with a crazy friend.
yes! Disneyland was a great distraction!
but before getting to Disneyland, i still have "my personal story-
teller" in mind, that i took the wrong train and didn't realize that
we're in the wrong direction not until the second to the last train
stop. tsk! tsk!
...however, the boat ride along the Sienne River didn't help at all. the
entire hour of cruising just made me thought of "my PST" and how i
wished that he was with me. sigh!
2. i trimmed my hair
yes, as insane as it may sound, i actually cut my hair. for
distraction! but i got so excited to be distracted that i hastily cut
3-inches (or more : () of my hair. i slashed here and there to make my
hair a little nicer. i got worried when i saw how short it was but i
can't put my hair back, can i? sniff...sniff..it will grow back anyway.
3. i took a walk in the forest
it's out-of-flåt season again, so i was determined to hit the road up
to the forest. it has been a cold but sunny day...so it was perfect for
me. it felt good to walk on the damp earth, feel the wind on my face,
blinded by mr. sun's rays, feel my heart burn as i gained speed in
walking, to be able to write in the "book" again.
4. i write and write and write
that's what i'm doing now...but all i can think about is "my PST"...
are my distractions effective?
what i did to divert my attention:
1. i spent the weekend in Paris with ate Hazel.
there was nothing so magical than to be in Disneyland. to be close to
the princesses and princes, magical and enchanting castles, scary rides,
universal studios, happy souls of kids, teenagers and adults, cute
store supervisors in the souvenir shop (; )), cold and rainy weather,
having a rainjacket, train ride, getting a big hug from Minnie Mouse,
seeing the dream parade under the heavy rain, bumping into a dancing
daddy while pushing his kid's stroller, having a stranger join in
in our pictorials, meeting someone from capiz, falling in a long line to
get into the rides, and just be with a crazy friend.
yes! Disneyland was a great distraction!
but before getting to Disneyland, i still have "my personal story-
teller" in mind, that i took the wrong train and didn't realize that
we're in the wrong direction not until the second to the last train
stop. tsk! tsk!
...however, the boat ride along the Sienne River didn't help at all. the
entire hour of cruising just made me thought of "my PST" and how i
wished that he was with me. sigh!
2. i trimmed my hair
yes, as insane as it may sound, i actually cut my hair. for
distraction! but i got so excited to be distracted that i hastily cut
3-inches (or more : () of my hair. i slashed here and there to make my
hair a little nicer. i got worried when i saw how short it was but i
can't put my hair back, can i? sniff...sniff..it will grow back anyway.
3. i took a walk in the forest
it's out-of-flåt season again, so i was determined to hit the road up
to the forest. it has been a cold but sunny day...so it was perfect for
me. it felt good to walk on the damp earth, feel the wind on my face,
blinded by mr. sun's rays, feel my heart burn as i gained speed in
walking, to be able to write in the "book" again.
4. i write and write and write
that's what i'm doing now...but all i can think about is "my PST"...
are my distractions effective?
Rasmus and the bad pancake
Felix brought home another friend yesterday. Rasmus. he's a cute, chubby boy with a round angel-like face.
the moment we got home, he asked if i could prepare the food that we had for dinner the last time that he came for a visit here. i can't quite remember the food that he was referring to, so i asked him "why". because he said, "det var kjempe god". aaawwww....it was so nice to hear that from him. i didn't want to disappoint him. though, i've only planned to prepare pancakes and tomato soup for dinner. when i told him that, his face brightened up! so i guess he wasn't that disappointed afterall.
as i was preparing the pancakes, he was standing right beside me in the kitchen, while Felix was playing with his Lego spaceship in the living room. after i made three pancakes, Rasmus said, "du er veldig flink åt lage mat, Joan". and i said, "takk, Rasmus. og sikkert du er en heldig gutt for at din mamma er flink åt lage mat åsså". just when he said, "men du er flinkere end mamma min", the pancake that i was making went plop! too much pressure on my side, i guess. Rasmus and i just looked at each other and smiled. i took the scrambled pancake on a plate and set it aside. Rasmus left and went to play with Felix without saying another word to me. oh! how embarrassing!
so, we had dinner and the boys ate voraciously. which was very good. then, it was time to decide who should get the last pancake. i was about to cut it in half for the boys when Rasmus said, "Felix kan få den pannekake...og Joan? kan jeg få den pannekake der? (pointing at the ruined pancake)"...i asked him if it's okay with him. he said, "det går fint". so, the "bad" pancake was taken anyway.
and to wrap it up, Rasmus said to me after he ate the "bad" pancake, "takk for maten Joan. det var veldig god". i said, "vær så god, Rasmus. det var bra sagt".
happiness...is making a bad pancake and being complimented anyway ; )
the moment we got home, he asked if i could prepare the food that we had for dinner the last time that he came for a visit here. i can't quite remember the food that he was referring to, so i asked him "why". because he said, "det var kjempe god". aaawwww....it was so nice to hear that from him. i didn't want to disappoint him. though, i've only planned to prepare pancakes and tomato soup for dinner. when i told him that, his face brightened up! so i guess he wasn't that disappointed afterall.
as i was preparing the pancakes, he was standing right beside me in the kitchen, while Felix was playing with his Lego spaceship in the living room. after i made three pancakes, Rasmus said, "du er veldig flink åt lage mat, Joan". and i said, "takk, Rasmus. og sikkert du er en heldig gutt for at din mamma er flink åt lage mat åsså". just when he said, "men du er flinkere end mamma min", the pancake that i was making went plop! too much pressure on my side, i guess. Rasmus and i just looked at each other and smiled. i took the scrambled pancake on a plate and set it aside. Rasmus left and went to play with Felix without saying another word to me. oh! how embarrassing!
so, we had dinner and the boys ate voraciously. which was very good. then, it was time to decide who should get the last pancake. i was about to cut it in half for the boys when Rasmus said, "Felix kan få den pannekake...og Joan? kan jeg få den pannekake der? (pointing at the ruined pancake)"...i asked him if it's okay with him. he said, "det går fint". so, the "bad" pancake was taken anyway.
and to wrap it up, Rasmus said to me after he ate the "bad" pancake, "takk for maten Joan. det var veldig god". i said, "vær så god, Rasmus. det var bra sagt".
happiness...is making a bad pancake and being complimented anyway ; )
Thursday, September 23, 2010
love-bugged blog
if i write one more thing about love here, then i should start making a new blog which will be called "love-bugged".
i can't help it! i'm surrounded by so much love these days that all i can think about is love.....and Andrè.
last night, i watched a documentary about a girl who never believed in love. she set off with her friend to interview married couples, gay couples, divorced men, newly weds, couples who were together for 50 years and so on...one of the couples said (and this statement really struck me) "it's so difficult to find true love in this world, so if you find it, keep it"....i'm contemplating on that statement for 24 hours now.
anyway, this girl, Charlene, was an outgoing girl, very nice, intelligent, talented...she said a lot of times that she doesn't believe in love but she was hoping to find her one true love anyway. so i was thinking that, she believes in love afterall. she just doesn't want to admit it. too proud to admit it, i guess.
it so happened that she met a guy in a party that she's been to. they started to go out. in the process of the doc, i saw love in her eyes. but she was still denying it. and it was so annoying! how can she deny something that is so wonderful? how can she deprive herself from the beautiful feeling of loving another person and being loved in return? huff! thank goodness...because in the last 10 minutes of that 87-minute documentary, she finally had the courage to face love and submit herself to that wondrous feeling! huff! huff!
...................
this morning, when we were having breakfast, Finn-Einar was in a "i'm-very-in-love-with-Kjersti" mood. he was so affectionate that i felt embarrassed to be sitting in front of them, while he was trying to kiss Kjersti on the cheeks. oh, love is just all around me!
tomorrow, i'm going to the city of love! wow! how lovable! and take note, i will be with ate Hazel, who is so in-love right now! hahaha!
and i miss my one true love who is in a plane to Thailand now...i miss him so much that it hurts...and he is the "one love" whom i want to be around with....
i can't help it! i'm surrounded by so much love these days that all i can think about is love.....and Andrè.
last night, i watched a documentary about a girl who never believed in love. she set off with her friend to interview married couples, gay couples, divorced men, newly weds, couples who were together for 50 years and so on...one of the couples said (and this statement really struck me) "it's so difficult to find true love in this world, so if you find it, keep it"....i'm contemplating on that statement for 24 hours now.
anyway, this girl, Charlene, was an outgoing girl, very nice, intelligent, talented...she said a lot of times that she doesn't believe in love but she was hoping to find her one true love anyway. so i was thinking that, she believes in love afterall. she just doesn't want to admit it. too proud to admit it, i guess.
it so happened that she met a guy in a party that she's been to. they started to go out. in the process of the doc, i saw love in her eyes. but she was still denying it. and it was so annoying! how can she deny something that is so wonderful? how can she deprive herself from the beautiful feeling of loving another person and being loved in return? huff! thank goodness...because in the last 10 minutes of that 87-minute documentary, she finally had the courage to face love and submit herself to that wondrous feeling! huff! huff!
...................
this morning, when we were having breakfast, Finn-Einar was in a "i'm-very-in-love-with-Kjersti" mood. he was so affectionate that i felt embarrassed to be sitting in front of them, while he was trying to kiss Kjersti on the cheeks. oh, love is just all around me!
tomorrow, i'm going to the city of love! wow! how lovable! and take note, i will be with ate Hazel, who is so in-love right now! hahaha!
and i miss my one true love who is in a plane to Thailand now...i miss him so much that it hurts...and he is the "one love" whom i want to be around with....
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
got to believe
sa movie ni claudine na "got to believe", yung number one sign na in-love sya eh, sinok! right! sinok! nung nag kiss sila accidentally ni rico, bigla syang suminok! at yun na! got to believe in magic na!
sa movie ko naman (wahahahaha!) ang number one sign na in-love ako eh, buntong-hininga! sigh! malalim na buntong-hininga at minsan may kasama pang "ahuhuhuhuhu" or minsan para kunwari hindi masyado halata, napapa ubo na lang daw ako.
hindi ko na maalala kung kelan ako nag umpisang mag "sigh". siguro a few days before ako pumunta ng Lillehammer. naging worse lang sya pagbalik ko galing sa Lillehammer at ngayon, mas worse pa sya! pati si Felix naloloka na sa akin. dati pag sinabi ko yung name ni Andrè, hindi sya nagre-react. after nun, nung na notice nya na every 10 minutes eh nimi-mention ko yung name ni Andrè, sinabi na ng orc sa akin "sana lang itigil mo ang kami mention ng Andrè". dumating pa nga sa point na pag nagbuntong-hininga ako, iko-cover na nya kaagad ang ears nya kasi alam na niya kung anong susunod na mangyayari at ayaw na nyang marinig nga ang name ni Andrè.
kanina habang nakikipag chat ako kay Andrè at si Felix naman ay busy sa kaka build ng kanyang lego plane, performance level ang pag sa sigh ko. nagtaka tuloy ang orc kung napano ako. na notice nya siguro na parang mawalan na ako ng hininga sa sobrang pag sigh ko...
eto ang mga pangyayari kanina:
jm: *super deep breath*
f: *worried look kay jm*
jm: *buntong-hininga ulit*
f: alam ko na kung anong sasabihin mo
jm: *tawa* + buntong-hininga
f: sige na, sabihin mo na joan
jm: *sigh + ahuhuhuhu*
f: sige na nga! sabihin mo na! you have my permission
jm: at bakit ano ba dapat ang sasabihin ko?
f: alam ko, sasabihin mo...Andrè
jm: *tawa* haaaayyyy Felix
f: sige na. sabihin mo na Andrè
jm: *buntong-hininga* Andrè
haaaayyyyyy...nakakaloka talaga! ewan ko ba! parang nag uumapaw lang talaga yung emotion sa kung saan mang part ng katawan ko na mairi release ko lang sya pag nag sigh ako. and it helps. but only for a while. at kailangan ko na namang mag sigh. katulad ngayon, kailangang kong mag buntong-hininga....over na talaga ito!!! in-love talaga si joanna marie! (sigh!)
sa movie ko naman (wahahahaha!) ang number one sign na in-love ako eh, buntong-hininga! sigh! malalim na buntong-hininga at minsan may kasama pang "ahuhuhuhuhu" or minsan para kunwari hindi masyado halata, napapa ubo na lang daw ako.
hindi ko na maalala kung kelan ako nag umpisang mag "sigh". siguro a few days before ako pumunta ng Lillehammer. naging worse lang sya pagbalik ko galing sa Lillehammer at ngayon, mas worse pa sya! pati si Felix naloloka na sa akin. dati pag sinabi ko yung name ni Andrè, hindi sya nagre-react. after nun, nung na notice nya na every 10 minutes eh nimi-mention ko yung name ni Andrè, sinabi na ng orc sa akin "sana lang itigil mo ang kami mention ng Andrè". dumating pa nga sa point na pag nagbuntong-hininga ako, iko-cover na nya kaagad ang ears nya kasi alam na niya kung anong susunod na mangyayari at ayaw na nyang marinig nga ang name ni Andrè.
kanina habang nakikipag chat ako kay Andrè at si Felix naman ay busy sa kaka build ng kanyang lego plane, performance level ang pag sa sigh ko. nagtaka tuloy ang orc kung napano ako. na notice nya siguro na parang mawalan na ako ng hininga sa sobrang pag sigh ko...
eto ang mga pangyayari kanina:
jm: *super deep breath*
f: *worried look kay jm*
jm: *buntong-hininga ulit*
f: alam ko na kung anong sasabihin mo
jm: *tawa* + buntong-hininga
f: sige na, sabihin mo na joan
jm: *sigh + ahuhuhuhu*
f: sige na nga! sabihin mo na! you have my permission
jm: at bakit ano ba dapat ang sasabihin ko?
f: alam ko, sasabihin mo...Andrè
jm: *tawa* haaaayyyy Felix
f: sige na. sabihin mo na Andrè
jm: *buntong-hininga* Andrè
haaaayyyyyy...nakakaloka talaga! ewan ko ba! parang nag uumapaw lang talaga yung emotion sa kung saan mang part ng katawan ko na mairi release ko lang sya pag nag sigh ako. and it helps. but only for a while. at kailangan ko na namang mag sigh. katulad ngayon, kailangang kong mag buntong-hininga....over na talaga ito!!! in-love talaga si joanna marie! (sigh!)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
got me!
it is true. when people who are in-love say, that their world only revolve around that special person whom they are in love with...that all they can think about is that person...
for such a long time, i have forgotten how it felt to love and be loved. the memories of my "young love" is such a blur that i can't grasp even the slightest feeling of it. all i can remember is that, when i was in-love, i was brave! i was outrageous and giving! i just....love!
then, the time came when my heart was broken. it weakened me. the pain that it brought me was too much to bear that i can't even talk about it to my friends or my mom. so i had to go away, be alone and come to terms to such heartbreak. it's unbelievable how one heartbreak can change your perspective about love forever.
so, for some time now, i have learned to shield myself for self-preservation. i have vowed that i wouldn't let anyone hurt me for whatever reason at all. i wouldn't let anyone rattle my safety retreat within myself. i had to protect myself from anyone because if i couldn't cover for myself, then, who else could? it's me and myself against the world.
but hey! cupid's got me! i tried to resist the feeling that his drugged arrow has caused me. but the feeling is too wonderfully strong that my shield has finally gave in. i am brave again! and outrageous! and giving! and in-love! suddenly all the cobwebs and gray nooks of the past have been forgotten and replaced by an unexplainable happiness and intense euphoria. i remember all the songs again. and i sing all the time. i laugh. i cry. i love.
i am lucky to be in-love. i am lucky to find love amidst this crazy world. i am lucky to love freely. i am happy to belong to somebody. i am lucky and happy to be loved in return.
i feel safe. i feel covered. i am in-love and i am loved.
it is true. love has its mysterious ways of creeping into your slumbering heart and waking you up and opening your eyes to see how wonderful this world is.
for such a long time, i have forgotten how it felt to love and be loved. the memories of my "young love" is such a blur that i can't grasp even the slightest feeling of it. all i can remember is that, when i was in-love, i was brave! i was outrageous and giving! i just....love!
then, the time came when my heart was broken. it weakened me. the pain that it brought me was too much to bear that i can't even talk about it to my friends or my mom. so i had to go away, be alone and come to terms to such heartbreak. it's unbelievable how one heartbreak can change your perspective about love forever.
so, for some time now, i have learned to shield myself for self-preservation. i have vowed that i wouldn't let anyone hurt me for whatever reason at all. i wouldn't let anyone rattle my safety retreat within myself. i had to protect myself from anyone because if i couldn't cover for myself, then, who else could? it's me and myself against the world.
but hey! cupid's got me! i tried to resist the feeling that his drugged arrow has caused me. but the feeling is too wonderfully strong that my shield has finally gave in. i am brave again! and outrageous! and giving! and in-love! suddenly all the cobwebs and gray nooks of the past have been forgotten and replaced by an unexplainable happiness and intense euphoria. i remember all the songs again. and i sing all the time. i laugh. i cry. i love.
i am lucky to be in-love. i am lucky to find love amidst this crazy world. i am lucky to love freely. i am happy to belong to somebody. i am lucky and happy to be loved in return.
i feel safe. i feel covered. i am in-love and i am loved.
it is true. love has its mysterious ways of creeping into your slumbering heart and waking you up and opening your eyes to see how wonderful this world is.
Monday, September 13, 2010
i love you, kuya Oscar
it has been 12 hours since you've been gone...2 nights since i haven't slept well...3 days since i've been crying endlessly...and it's going to take forever for me to get over the fact that you're up in heaven already.
you are my bestfriend. you've heard all my secrets...you've been there in my happiest and saddest and craziest state. you were there to give me an instant hug whenever i needed a warm embrace. you were my constant companion when i felt the need to run or walk in the forest. you were my favorite subject in my amateur photography. you made me happy with your out-of-the-blue tricks. you made me really angry and scared when you get lost in the forest trying to catch a hedgehog. you brighten up my heart when you happily and crazily hop on me everytime i come home. you annoyed me when you unreasonably barked at anyone you saw in the forest. you broke my heart when you snarled at me when all i wanted was to cuddle with you. you made me nervous and crazy everytime you ran away. you healed my pain everytime you eagerly ran up to me.
....and now you're making me feel so sad. i''ve never felt such sadness before. i've never even known that such sadness and loss ever existed. it's as if my heart is being chopped into pieces and the pain is killing me. i break into tears everytime i go down the stairs and you're not there to meet me. tears just flow down my cheeks whenever i sit on the sofa and you're not there to sit with me and lay your head on my tummy. i panic when i remember you and wonder if i took you for a walk or if i've given you food already.
kuya Oscar, it broke my heart when Felix cried when Kjersti had to tell him about you over the phone. he is hurting too kuya. and we both miss you so much. so much that i long to hold you and hug you.....or just to see you in the least possible way.
i have loved you so much kuya Oscar. i love you so much.
things happened in a sudden that a part of me is in denial. right now, i'm thinking that you're just downstairs, sleeping.
sigh!
i broke into tears when Felix and i came back from school this afternoon, you know. he saw your cot and he asked why it's still there and you're not. so i had to move it down to the basement and i had to hug it so tight just to feel you. it hurt to move your stuffs kuya. i want to keep your things where they are but i don't want to explain to Felix everytime he asks about you.
i'm sure that you're in heaven now. please watch over us, okay?
i miss you so much. i always told you that i love you. i taught you how to say i love you too, but you never learned. but that doesn't matter.
i love you so much kuya Oscar. you will be in my heart forever.
kuya, whenever i need someone to talk to, will you be there to listen to me?
you are my bestfriend. you've heard all my secrets...you've been there in my happiest and saddest and craziest state. you were there to give me an instant hug whenever i needed a warm embrace. you were my constant companion when i felt the need to run or walk in the forest. you were my favorite subject in my amateur photography. you made me happy with your out-of-the-blue tricks. you made me really angry and scared when you get lost in the forest trying to catch a hedgehog. you brighten up my heart when you happily and crazily hop on me everytime i come home. you annoyed me when you unreasonably barked at anyone you saw in the forest. you broke my heart when you snarled at me when all i wanted was to cuddle with you. you made me nervous and crazy everytime you ran away. you healed my pain everytime you eagerly ran up to me.
....and now you're making me feel so sad. i''ve never felt such sadness before. i've never even known that such sadness and loss ever existed. it's as if my heart is being chopped into pieces and the pain is killing me. i break into tears everytime i go down the stairs and you're not there to meet me. tears just flow down my cheeks whenever i sit on the sofa and you're not there to sit with me and lay your head on my tummy. i panic when i remember you and wonder if i took you for a walk or if i've given you food already.
kuya Oscar, it broke my heart when Felix cried when Kjersti had to tell him about you over the phone. he is hurting too kuya. and we both miss you so much. so much that i long to hold you and hug you.....or just to see you in the least possible way.
i have loved you so much kuya Oscar. i love you so much.
things happened in a sudden that a part of me is in denial. right now, i'm thinking that you're just downstairs, sleeping.
sigh!
i broke into tears when Felix and i came back from school this afternoon, you know. he saw your cot and he asked why it's still there and you're not. so i had to move it down to the basement and i had to hug it so tight just to feel you. it hurt to move your stuffs kuya. i want to keep your things where they are but i don't want to explain to Felix everytime he asks about you.
i'm sure that you're in heaven now. please watch over us, okay?
i miss you so much. i always told you that i love you. i taught you how to say i love you too, but you never learned. but that doesn't matter.
i love you so much kuya Oscar. you will be in my heart forever.
kuya, whenever i need someone to talk to, will you be there to listen to me?
Saturday, September 11, 2010
i'm so sorry
dear kuya,
i want you to know that i love you so much...as in so so much
...and that, i am so sorry for what's about to happen...
...i regret the decision that i've made that day kuya...
i remember clearly how i battled over the decision of bringing you when i pick up Felix from school that day. i even stood in front of you, while you lay peacefully in your cot, giving me the "what now, joan?" kind of look. i love you so much kuya that i want to bring you with me. so i did.
and i will regret it for the rest of my life.
you are my kuya. and i love you so much. you are the greatest companion that i've ever had. you are always there to listen absent-mindedly when i talk endlessly about this and that. you were my inspiration when i ran in the forest. may it be to really run or just a fun-chasing-run with you.
do you remember the time when you were in love with Aguida? i let you out in the garden and you ran away. it took Felix and i an eternity to look for you in the forest. we strained our vocal chords as we call out your name that one springtime day. and when we didn't find you after a long search, i began to cry, because i thought...what if you ran to the highway and was hit by a car...or you fell in a hole in the forest and you couldn't get out...or you got lost and couldn't find your way home. i felt so helpless that time that i just sat in a corner and cried. oh, how relieved i was when the neighbor brought you home! i remember how i nearly choked you with my hug when i saw you at the front door!
remember the time when i really got mad at you because you were attacking a hedgehog in the garden in the middle of the summer night? i stood between you and the curled up hedgehog and i crazily yelled at you. i'm sorry i yelled at you kuya. i am so sorry...
remember when we went for a camping trip? you got in the tent first and laid on my sleeping bag. by the time i was ready to sleep, i couldn't pull the sleeping bag away from you. that night i slept with my wool blanket on.
i am so sorry kuya. i have brought you into this fatal end. i am so so sorry...i don't know if i can still look you in the eye in these remaining days...
i have so many memories of you kuya Oscar. you will always be in my heart and in my mind. please don't forget me when you're in heaven already. please remember me as someone who loves you so much.
i love you kuya Oscar.
can you forgive me?
i want you to know that i love you so much...as in so so much
...and that, i am so sorry for what's about to happen...
...i regret the decision that i've made that day kuya...
i remember clearly how i battled over the decision of bringing you when i pick up Felix from school that day. i even stood in front of you, while you lay peacefully in your cot, giving me the "what now, joan?" kind of look. i love you so much kuya that i want to bring you with me. so i did.
and i will regret it for the rest of my life.
you are my kuya. and i love you so much. you are the greatest companion that i've ever had. you are always there to listen absent-mindedly when i talk endlessly about this and that. you were my inspiration when i ran in the forest. may it be to really run or just a fun-chasing-run with you.
do you remember the time when you were in love with Aguida? i let you out in the garden and you ran away. it took Felix and i an eternity to look for you in the forest. we strained our vocal chords as we call out your name that one springtime day. and when we didn't find you after a long search, i began to cry, because i thought...what if you ran to the highway and was hit by a car...or you fell in a hole in the forest and you couldn't get out...or you got lost and couldn't find your way home. i felt so helpless that time that i just sat in a corner and cried. oh, how relieved i was when the neighbor brought you home! i remember how i nearly choked you with my hug when i saw you at the front door!
remember the time when i really got mad at you because you were attacking a hedgehog in the garden in the middle of the summer night? i stood between you and the curled up hedgehog and i crazily yelled at you. i'm sorry i yelled at you kuya. i am so sorry...
remember when we went for a camping trip? you got in the tent first and laid on my sleeping bag. by the time i was ready to sleep, i couldn't pull the sleeping bag away from you. that night i slept with my wool blanket on.
i am so sorry kuya. i have brought you into this fatal end. i am so so sorry...i don't know if i can still look you in the eye in these remaining days...
i have so many memories of you kuya Oscar. you will always be in my heart and in my mind. please don't forget me when you're in heaven already. please remember me as someone who loves you so much.
i love you kuya Oscar.
can you forgive me?
early morning joys of sub-parenting
yesterday, i woke up stupified by Felix. i forgot that he has been sleeping beside me. he woke up earlier than i did, so, when i opened my eyes, his smiling face was the first thing to register in my half-awake mind. he said "joan, it's morning already" with a scary smile. i tried to ignore him and turned to the other side of the bed. but the insistent boy wouldn't give me another minute of snooze. charmed by his morning smile, i got up and gave him my brightest morning smile too.
it was the most relaxed early morning breakfast and walk-to-school that we've had for a long time. what a good day!
today is a saturday. normally, my weekend body clock wakes me up at 9 or 10 at max. this weekend is an exception. excited as he has been for this weekend, Felix woke up at 7 30 and kept on bugging me to wake up. he said, "joan, respect. wake up." and i said, "felix, respect. let me sleep a little bit more". he was silent for a few heartbeats. i was about to say thank you, when he hugged me and started to talk again...and when he starts talking, nothing and nobody can stop him. with my eyes closed and in a half-dreaming state, i would say "ja, mmmmmm or okay" once in a while when he asks "ikke sånt?" i told him to count from 1 to 100, and i'll get up when he's done. he got up, laid his head on my tummy and started counting. of course, he got to 100 without going through 50 and 60 and 70. i asked him to count to 1000. he finished counting faster than he did with the 100. i asked him to sing for me and i promised i'll get up. battling over the thought of singing to get me up or just letting me get my weekend sleep shut him up. yubeeee!!!! but hey, as i began to rejoice, he started singing..."a,b,c,d,e..." and i laughed amidst my annoyance. that song and Felix's effort to sing really made me get out of my bed.
it's a good feeling to wake up with a smiling and singing (oh, not to forget the counting) kid beside you.
what a joy!
it was the most relaxed early morning breakfast and walk-to-school that we've had for a long time. what a good day!
today is a saturday. normally, my weekend body clock wakes me up at 9 or 10 at max. this weekend is an exception. excited as he has been for this weekend, Felix woke up at 7 30 and kept on bugging me to wake up. he said, "joan, respect. wake up." and i said, "felix, respect. let me sleep a little bit more". he was silent for a few heartbeats. i was about to say thank you, when he hugged me and started to talk again...and when he starts talking, nothing and nobody can stop him. with my eyes closed and in a half-dreaming state, i would say "ja, mmmmmm or okay" once in a while when he asks "ikke sånt?" i told him to count from 1 to 100, and i'll get up when he's done. he got up, laid his head on my tummy and started counting. of course, he got to 100 without going through 50 and 60 and 70. i asked him to count to 1000. he finished counting faster than he did with the 100. i asked him to sing for me and i promised i'll get up. battling over the thought of singing to get me up or just letting me get my weekend sleep shut him up. yubeeee!!!! but hey, as i began to rejoice, he started singing..."a,b,c,d,e..." and i laughed amidst my annoyance. that song and Felix's effort to sing really made me get out of my bed.
it's a good feeling to wake up with a smiling and singing (oh, not to forget the counting) kid beside you.
what a joy!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
surprise! surprise!
i have been expecting this day to be rainy. afterall, the weather forecast said that the sunny days will only last for 10 days. and today is the 11th day of mr. sun's performance-level-appearance! what a splendid surprise!
i enjoyed the walk with kuya O on the way to pick-up Felix and his friend Steiner from school. i had a good laugh at the boys as they hurriedly gulped their ice cream because it melted easily in their hands. Felix, Kuya O and i had to wait for Steiner several times since, i figured out, he's not used to a long and steepy walk. it was a little dragging walk back home, but with mr. sun over us, it was worth all the exposure.
i enjoyed the walk with kuya O on the way to pick-up Felix and his friend Steiner from school. i had a good laugh at the boys as they hurriedly gulped their ice cream because it melted easily in their hands. Felix, Kuya O and i had to wait for Steiner several times since, i figured out, he's not used to a long and steepy walk. it was a little dragging walk back home, but with mr. sun over us, it was worth all the exposure.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
my personal story-teller
nobody ever read a bedtime story to me before. when i was a child, i would sleep on my mother's lap while she was stroking my hair...or i just fell asleep while watching television. and what i loved the most at that time was, when i feel my mom's arm around me when she lifts me up from the sofa and put me into bed. it was heaven : )
then, as i was growing up, i learned to read. from then on, i wandered almost everywhere with the characters in the books that i've read. i have been to the middle earth with the dwarves, hobbits and orcs; to the angel's dwelling place in Samaria; to the river in Dumangas with the chocolate-colored kids jumping into and swimming in the river; to the age of chivalry and fell in love with the handsome knights; to Forks, where i fell in love with a vampire and wished to be bitten by Edward; and so on...
i became a passionate reader. every night before going to sleep, i would open a book and allow myself to be possessed by the author.
four days ago, however, a magical thing happened. a wonderful person surfaced into my life. he makes me laugh so hard that my tummy aches. he is so easy to be with that i couldn't help but be comfortable with him, eventhough it was the first time that we met. he is so sweet and he always has something to talk about. there was never a dull moment when i was with him. he would make faces out of the blue. he would make outrageous sound effects and hand gestures. oh, i love those wooshing-swaaassshing sounds! he is a gentleman...and i love him...and he is my personal story-teller.
who would have thought that i would hear my first bedtime story at the age of mmmmmmm...29?
that night, i couldn't be contained. i was looking forward for the story. and when the time came, i savoured every moment of it. i closed my eyes and tried to imagine everything that my personal story-teller was narrating to me. but like a child, i had questions that i couldn't help but ask. my personal story-teller had to shut me up. and i've learned the first rule in story-telling: when you're not the story-teller, you don't talk! ; ) so i closed my eyes again and deluged my imagination into the dark, scary attic with the little boy and girl and the bloody orange.
my first bedtime story was a scary one. and i loved it!
a couple of nights ago, my personal story-teller had a story for me again. this time, it was a love story which has a very promising possibility to be published! hahahaha! however, i only get to listen to the first chapter...for the succeeding chapter or chapters are yet to be told. i have to compose myself and wait and look forward to what's about to happen.
i am so lucky and happy to have my own story-teller...mmmmm...just wondering how would it be like listening to stories (instead of reading) every night before going to bed......
p.s.: to my personal story-teller, i love you! (more!) and i will be your passionate listener ; )
then, as i was growing up, i learned to read. from then on, i wandered almost everywhere with the characters in the books that i've read. i have been to the middle earth with the dwarves, hobbits and orcs; to the angel's dwelling place in Samaria; to the river in Dumangas with the chocolate-colored kids jumping into and swimming in the river; to the age of chivalry and fell in love with the handsome knights; to Forks, where i fell in love with a vampire and wished to be bitten by Edward; and so on...
i became a passionate reader. every night before going to sleep, i would open a book and allow myself to be possessed by the author.
four days ago, however, a magical thing happened. a wonderful person surfaced into my life. he makes me laugh so hard that my tummy aches. he is so easy to be with that i couldn't help but be comfortable with him, eventhough it was the first time that we met. he is so sweet and he always has something to talk about. there was never a dull moment when i was with him. he would make faces out of the blue. he would make outrageous sound effects and hand gestures. oh, i love those wooshing-swaaassshing sounds! he is a gentleman...and i love him...and he is my personal story-teller.
who would have thought that i would hear my first bedtime story at the age of mmmmmmm...29?
that night, i couldn't be contained. i was looking forward for the story. and when the time came, i savoured every moment of it. i closed my eyes and tried to imagine everything that my personal story-teller was narrating to me. but like a child, i had questions that i couldn't help but ask. my personal story-teller had to shut me up. and i've learned the first rule in story-telling: when you're not the story-teller, you don't talk! ; ) so i closed my eyes again and deluged my imagination into the dark, scary attic with the little boy and girl and the bloody orange.
my first bedtime story was a scary one. and i loved it!
a couple of nights ago, my personal story-teller had a story for me again. this time, it was a love story which has a very promising possibility to be published! hahahaha! however, i only get to listen to the first chapter...for the succeeding chapter or chapters are yet to be told. i have to compose myself and wait and look forward to what's about to happen.
i am so lucky and happy to have my own story-teller...mmmmm...just wondering how would it be like listening to stories (instead of reading) every night before going to bed......
p.s.: to my personal story-teller, i love you! (more!) and i will be your passionate listener ; )
Friday, September 3, 2010
weary of being scared
i have been counting the days...and i can't believe that it's so soon...that i can almost count the hours in my 10 fingers...the butterflies in my stomach are making me sick...it's a quarter after 1 in the morning and i can't sleep...why oh why?...judgment day...judgment day...coming soon...
(hope it will be a box office hit!)
(hope it will be a box office hit!)
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